Three hours into the darkest part of the night, I started calling her and then two more hours slipped by. The digital clock of the cable box barely moved as time crept by and I was met with voicemail after voicemail. Every place was closed by 3:00 a.m. There was no reason for her to be out that late. She never answered. Then I called her friends, her mother. I called anywhere and everywhere I could think. Damon and I went out to look for her and came up with nothing. We came up with nothing because by the time we were looking for her, Quincy was already dead.
A carhonks loudly behind me. Through blurry vision I move my gaze from the rearview that features a line of cars behind me, to the green light above me. Easing on the gas, I bring myself back to the present.
Back to Ella. To them trying to take her away from me. And keeping me from her.
Unacceptable.
The fact they took her doesn’t change the way I feel for her or what either of us wants. It doesn’t change a damn thing, except my standing with The Firm. And perhaps The Firm will take a hit to its reputation … but that pales in comparison to what Ella and I stand to lose.
Part of the reason I let Quincy walk away from me that night was because I was too much of a coward to have the real conversation. The one that would end with her moving out, deleting my number from her phone and never speaking to me again. I was trying to honor her wishes for space, but in truth I was acting like a fucking coward because that conversation had been long overdue.
I can’t honor anything for Ella, because I don’t know what she wants now that they all know.
I don’t know if she’s imagining I’ve abandoned her, or that I slept with her and never looked back. I don’t know a damn thing and that’s also un-fucking-acceptable.
What kind of man would I be if I went back to the motel and left it at that? If I let men who aren’t part of our relationship decide it was over because of my professional obligations? What kind of coward would I be?
I jerk the wheel to the right at the next intersection, my mind racing. My blood pumps hard in my veins. This isn’t that night with Quincy. This is a different morning. A far more complicated relationship. I didn’t know what I wanted with Quincy. I have to be with Ella. That is the only thing I know right now.
That’s the truth. The one truth that keeps me sane.
In the rearview mirror, I watch Damon’s car come after mine, his tires squealing. He’s swearing in the front seat, his expression pissed, and that anger won’t leave once he finds out what I intend to do. What I have to do.
If Ella doesn’t have feelings for me or if she doesn’t see any need for me at all, then I’ll leave her be. I’ll let her go on with her life. I’ll step back and allow her the space to get well. I’ll never bother her again.
But I’m not going to take anyone else’s word for it or allow them to make that decision for her. My heart slams against my rib cage over and over and over. Her manager and the rest of The Firm can claim she doesn’t want to see me all they want. I’ll believe it when she tells me and not a moment before.
They’ll have taken her to one of the properties The Firm hires out in conjunction with every client. We always have a backup safe location in case the need arises. It’s typically nondescript. Meant to keep from drawing attention. We still followed this protocol even though Ella is a custodial client and not someone needing strictly personal protection services.
It’s a few miles from here. Not far although I’ve driven a good distance in the opposite direction.
Another sharp right and I’m heading in the right direction. Damon honks behind me. He’ll know where I’m going. He doesn’t have any choice in the matter unless he decides to crash his car into mine. That’s the only way I’ll stop.