Secrets & Submission

Fiddling with the cap, I nod in agreement.

Why does it hurt as much as it does? It feels like the rain has poured down around me.

All because he couldn’t say we’re an item?

No. No it’s not that. It takes me minutes to register that I asked him if he loves me.

He knows. He must know, that I love him. Fuck, I am drunk. I’m far more than tipsy.

The conversation plays on repeat. Then the one with Kam insinuating we aren’t on the same page. Then the one with Damon, and how my feelings may be displaced.

“We’re going to steal her, if that’s all right.” Kelly’s voice rings clear over my head in the dark corner behind the bar that Zander’s cornered me into.

“I think it may be time for us to head out.”

“You just got here.” Kelly’s objection reflects both her shock and disappointment.

“I’m not leaving. I’m fine.” My voice is clear and my decision firm as I look Zander in the eye.

“So … about stealing her away? I think she should see some people. Some influential people Kam mentioned?” she tells him. Asking him permission and not me.

He doesn’t answer her, other than to nod. There’s a concerned look in his eyes and he tells me, I’ll be right behind you.

“I’m not letting her out of my sight,” he warns Kelly who only laughs, a sweet friendly sound before whispering to me that whatever he said he can shove up his ass and that she loves me.

“Should we hide in the bathroom?” she asks me and I shake my head. Half of me wants to leave, while the other half wants to feel it, and let it all go.

“Smile on,” she says and like a ghost taking over, I grin entering the room and hollowing out to let the former me show. That’s what this night is about. This is for me, not him.

* * *

As the clock ticks by,and hour passes easily, I laugh when everyone else does. I smile for the cameras. I accept hug after hug and give comments to the gossip columnists when they ask for one that would make Kam proud. I’ve been through hell and back. If Zander thinks his commitment problems are enough to break me, he’s the one who’s got a new thing coming.

I’m fine. I’m better than fucking fine.

He’s barely approached me, watching from a few feet away as if he’s merely security. He must know he fucked up. He called in backup. I spotted Silas across the room and nearly rolled my eyes. It’s yet another betrayal. It fucking hurts. It feels like a breakup. Like I did the one thing I knew I would do. I pushed him and he refused to move with me.

I have issues, yes. But so does he. And it’s not my responsibility to take his problems on. That’s what I tell myself anyway, as I’m looking at my ex from another life.

That … and to do what Kelly suggested, to show Zander why he needs to commit.

John, a handsome lover from years ago, circles the edge of the crowd, his face disappearing and reappearing as people talk into my ear and ask me the same stream of questions over and over. How are you? Are you settled at the lodge? We missed you.

I just wish it didn’t hurt so much to be here hearing how much they missed me and being reminded over and over that I was gone. Being reminded of what happened.

Suddenly, the music feels like an assault, and the crush of their bodies close to mine, and the heat of all that skin so close by. The autumn night can’t compete with the number of people here and it’s too much. It was easy to be irritated at Zander before, when he kept pointing out that we could leave any time, when he insisted on going over our signals again and again, and now it turns out he’s right.

I hate that. It feels like a rock at the pit of my gut to be wrong about this. But if I’m being honest, it’s not the party that feels like such a raw, open wound. It’s him. I had him in my bed, where I thought he belonged, and he didn’t choose me.

Tears prick at the corners of my eyes but I blink them away before they can fall.

“You need another drink.” Trish’s face swings in close, her eyes bright.

“Hell yes I do.” Zander’s order be damned.

She throws her arms over her head and cheers, and I echo it. My voice is too weak to do it justice but it doesn’t matter. The music is loud enough to cover it up. The music is loud enough to cover everything up, except Zander.

I can feel him watching me. His eyes on my skin are a palpable burn, even when I can’t see him through the crowd. I know he can see me.