“Nobody goes through all that trouble just because you’re a good piece of ass.”
“I know they can’t have feelings for me.”
“What if they do?”
“Oh, please. I’m like a toy. Something they can play with. But I’m not the first, and I doubt I’ll be the last. They’ll move on, and so will I.”
“Do you want to?”
“Why does that matter?”
“It matters to you.”
“It doesn’t,” I insist, staring out at the dreary day because it’s easier than facing my friend and myself.
“You’d be human if it did. You have fun with them, right? They make you feel things you’ve never felt before. You feel safe with them. You like hanging out when your clothes are on.”
“So?” This time it’s a whisper. I can barely breathe for the pressure in my chest. “I like them. I hate the idea of never seeing them again. But I know it’s stupid to let myself feel this way.”
“Why is it stupid?”
“Because it was only ever supposed to be a one-time thing. That’s it. They’ve done this before. I’m nobody special.”
“What are you really afraid of?” she asks.
“I’m not afraid.”
“Then what?”
“I’m embarrassed, for one thing.” Now that I’ve put it out there, I see how true it is. “I’m not supposed to like them. This isn’t a normal situation.”
“Maybe this doesn’t have to be as big a deal as you keep trying to make it. I think if you like being with all of them, you should keep going. See what happens.”
“You mean it?”
“Why not?”
“Even though it’s… different? Some people would call it wrong.”
“Some people are stupid assholes, and this is your life, not theirs.”
“You’re not just saying this so I’ll feel better, are you?”
“No. I’m really not.” She tries to smile, which just about breaks my heart because I can tell it’s uncomfortable. “I couldn’t get up from that ditch he left me in, but I was conscious for some of the time.”
The thought is enough to make me recoil. “Oh, my god.”
“I remember thinking if I get out of this, and I’m okay, I’m going to live my life for real. No more wasting time. Same with you. I want that for you, too.”
“What should I do? Tell three guys I want to be their girlfriend?”
“If you want to stick around town now and keep communicating with them, why not? Especially if they’re into the idea.”
“How do I know if they are?”
“You’re going to have to suck it up and ask, I guess.” She snorts at the face I make. “And who knows? You might end up happy with the answer.”
“I don’t know what to think about myself anymore.” I tuck my hair behind my ears while staring at the floor. “I really don’t. I like being with them. I even like the way they treat me when we’re playing or whatever it’s called. What does that say about me?”