We sipped our coffee and pondered normality.
“Do you want to come over?” I blurted out. I didn’t really mean to, but I was thinking that I didn’t want this to end. No matter how much time I spent with Ryder, I always wanted more.
“I mean, do you want to come hang at my place? We could watch a movie or play . . . chess.” God save me from saying moronic things around Ryder Blythe. I didn’t even have a fucking chessboard. I had plenty of decks of cards, and I could probably borrow a board game from Rory. She’d gotten custody of them when she moved down the hall. But that might make Lucah suspicious. Shit.
“Chess? You know how to play chess?” He didn’t seem skeptical, just surprised.
“No, but I could learn.” Yeah, like chess was something you could just pick up in a few minutes. I wanted to smash my head into the table. Might rid my brain of the ridiculous things that were bouncing around in it.
“Yeah, that sounds . . . great. I’ve, ah, always wanted to learn how to play chess.” He sounded like he’d rather have a colonoscopy. Frankly, I’d rather have a colonoscopy too. Well, chess with Ryder probably wouldn’t be too bad in the long run.
“We don’t have to play chess. It was just a suggestion. We could watch a movie instead.” A movie was a much safer option. I was sure I had something he’d want to watch. Or at least tolerate.
“Yeah, if you can sneak me in without my brother finding out that I’m hanging out with you alone in your apartment at night.” It sounded bad when he put it that way.
“We’re not doing anything wrong. He knows we’re friends now. So what if he finds out? I mean, what is he going to do, honestly? Ground you?” I pictured that in my head and could actually imagine Lucah doing that. Or at least trying to.
“I don’t know, Sloane. Things have finally gotten good with him. I don’t want to push my luck.” I wanted to protest, but I didn’t want to push. If I pushed him to “choose,” he’d choose Lucah. And then things would get really awkward at dinner and with Rory and I didn’t want that.
“No, no. That’s fine.” I tried not to be too put out. We’d just spent several hours together, and I saw him several nights a week for dinner. That should be more than enough time with Ryder.
“But I’ll come with you to your apartment to make sure you get there safe.”
I grabbed my coat, scarf, and mittens, and got myself all bundled up before I stood.
“Thanks. That’s really nice.” He was always making sure I got home safe. I loved that.
“It’s not nice. It’s just . . . I don’t know. I like to make sure you’re home safe. My father always told me that when I was with a woman I should make sure she gets home safe. I guess that piece of advice actually stuck. The times he told me not to do drugs, not so much.”
He was talking more and more about his parents lately, and it was really good. Might be a side-effect of the therapy.
“My parents just told me not to bother with school because I would never amount to anything,” I said. Yuck. I sounded like a negative Nancy. “Sorry. I don’t meant to be all bitter. My parents are kind of awful people, so the happy stories are few and far between.” In fact, I had to think really hard before I came up with something happy. They weren’t abusive, at least not physically. They just . . . were terrible parents. Never should have had kids. I hated it that there was so much pressure to procreate. I mean, what the hell was that? You shouldn’t have kids just to have them if you’re going to do a shit job raising them and then they’re just going to hate you and resent you and do the same to their kids. Vicious fucking cycle of life. Let Elton John write a song about that.
“It’s okay. It’s okay. I know my childhood sounds all rosy, but we didn’t have a lot of money. My parents just had this way of making everything seem magical, and I always got what I really, really wanted. They did without so that Tate, Lucah, and I could have Christmas and birthday gifts and new clothes. I’m a lot luckier than most.” His smile was tinged with sadness.
“Sometimes I wonder if that’s why they were taken. They were just too good. Because I can’t figure out another reason that they would need to die. I was really pissed off about it for a long time. Still am, if I’m being honest.”
I couldn’t blame him.
“I’m so sorry that happened to you, Ryder. There aren’t any words I can say that do enough to tell you how sorry I am.”
He reached out for my hand and held it. I could feel his warmth through the mitten.
“There’s a station right down the road here, if you want to just take the T,” I said. This hand holding was new and kind of scary. I didn’t know how to take it, so I decided to just go with it. I looked down at our linked hands. His were covered in tiny little scratches and freckles. Those wonderful freckles that covered the rest of his body.
“Thank you,” he finally said, squeezing my hand.
“For what?” I asked, looking straight ahead.
“For being you.”
“Um, you’re welcome?” It sounded like a question, but neither of us laughed at me fumbling with my words.
He held my hand on the subway and all the way back to my apartment.
Finally, we had to part. He started to walk away, as if he’d forgotten we were even holding hands.
“Um, Ryder?” I jerked his arm and he looked down at it.