“I can’t explain it, but I like the way you say my name. It’s weird, okay?” I looked away from his face and down at my food. There was no way I was dunking my sandwich, so I started on my soup, blowing on a spoonful to cool it.
“I wasn’t aware of saying your name in any particular way, but okay then.”
We ate in silence.
“So, what did you miss about me?” I asked, pretending I wasn’t all that interested.
“Your tits, for one,” he said, mocking me. “And your eyes.”
“You mean my actual eyes? That’s not a euphemism for something?” I never knew with him.
He laughed. “No, I mean your actual eyes. The ones in your head. It’s not as much them as the way they look at me. I’ve missed seeing you. A lot.” Was he going to start opening up? I didn’t know if I could handle that.
“Yeah, I’ve missed you too. In spite of everything.” I swirled my soup in the bowl. I wasn’t actually that hungry. At least not anymore.
“I completely fucked up, Sloane.”
I smiled at his use of my name.
“Yeah, you did.”
He set down his spoon and sighed. “I don’t know what to do to fix things. Every time I try, something goes wrong. I mean, I do something wrong.”
I looked up from my soup at him. “Do you want to talk about it?” I asked.
“Are you sure? I feel like I’ve used you enough already. How can you still be here and talking to me? I would have at least punched me in the balls or something.” He smiled a little.
“I guess I have more faith in you than you do. But I have to be honest, Ryder, that night I really lost it. I could just see this cycle with you if I stayed. You’re in this dark place, and I didn’t want you to drag me down with you.” My words were brutally honest, but I knew he could take it. And I needed to be honest. With him and with myself.
“I know. I didn’t want that either. That was why I was always so conflicted. I really, really shouldn’t have kissed you. I should have let you go when I had the chance.” Yeah, he should have. But I might not have let him.
“You tried to get rid of me before, and look where we are. I’m back. Guess you can’t get rid of me after all.” We both smiled at each other.
“I don’t want to assume anything anymore, but I would really like it if you could trust me again. Sometime in the distant future, I’d like to earn it back from you.”
We were back on serious ground.
“I have to be honest, Ryder. I don’t know if I can give that to you.”
If there was anything I’d learned about Ryder, it was that love wasn’t enough. It didn’t conquer all.
“That’s fair. That’s completely fair. But would you give me the chance to try? That’s all I’m asking for. I know I don’t deserve it. Not even a little bit.” No, he didn’t. But love was a funny thing.
“I can try. We can both try.”
He smiled again and went back to his sandwich. “Good.” He dunked it into his soup, and I made a face.
“That’s disgusting.”
“Don’t knock it till you try it.”
Twenty
“So she was basically like Elle Woods in the flesh. It was awful,” I said. I was catching Ryder up on what he’d missed in my life since we’d last talked.
“That is truly horrifying,” he said with a shudder. We were on the couch, a tub of ice cream between us.
“It was. Inari had to hold me back from saying something really awful to her.”