“I don’t know,” I said, being honest. “I really wanted to hate you. Even in that moment, I thought I did, but I was more angry.”
“Yeah, I was pretty mad at myself too.” The snow started falling more heavily, the flakes collecting and melting on my eyelashes. I wiped them away.
“I was mad at you for a lot of reasons. You were doing so well and then you threw it away. I know you have a problem with addiction, but that shouldn’t excuse your actions. You have to be a fucking grown up and take responsibility for yourself. There are millions of other people who have had shittier lives than you that manage to suck it up and make something of themselves. And I don’t just mean being a dishwasher and living in a shitty apartment. That may be fine for some, but I don’t think that’s enough for you. I think you could do more.” Wow, I did not mean to make any sort of speech.
Ryder was silent for a few steps.
“I think I’ve just been fucking up for so long I don’t know how to just . . . let things happen. Let life happen. I guess I know that I’ll inevitably mess something up, so I screw it up on purpose.”
“A self-fulfilling prophecy,” I said.
“Exactly. But I want to change. I want to be better. And not so my brother will get off my back. I can’t explain it, but this time is different. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of living this way. I want something different. Something better.” God, I wanted to believe him. But I couldn’t do that until he showed me.
“Good. That’s really good, Ryder. But now you have to walk the talk.”
He sighed. “Yeah. That’s the hard part.”
“That’s what she said.” The words came out before I could stop them. Ryder burst out laughing, throwing his head back.
“I never want to do anything to drive you out of my life again. Ever.”
Oh. Wow. I looked down so he wouldn’t see the grin on my face.
“I’d really like that too, Ryder.”
Twenty-One
We got lunch at a sub shop then walked back to the apartment. The snow had stopped, and the only residue left was the wetness on the sidewalk and in the air.
I was thinking about babies. Maybe it was the thing with April that brought it to mind. If anything, this had just made me even more secure in my decision not to have children. It wasn’t just the child raising part. I didn’t think that I could go through losing a pregnancy. No way.
“What are you thinking about?” Ryder asked. I’d been silent for a while.
“Stuff,” I said. Brilliant. But I couldn’t come up with something else and I didn’t want to talk babies with Ryder.
“Uh-huh.” The elevator doors opened to our floor. Without even asking, I followed Ryder down to Rory and Lucah’s apartment.
Ryder shut the door behind me and tossed his keys onto the kitchen counter. It hadn’t escaped my notice that he was wearing another one of my ensembles. Good thing I’d made a winter coat.
“Can I talk to you about something?” he said as I crashed on the couch. The room was like a sauna compared to outside. Still, I wanted to put on thick socks and drink cocoa. For the millionth time, I wished our building had units with fireplaces. Someday, I’d have a place with a fireplace. And a giant tub. But definitely a fireplace.
“Yeah,” I answered Ryder, still thinking about snow and fireplaces.
“I think I’m going away.” I looked over my shoulder at him. He stood with his forearms braced on the back of the couch. I turned so I wouldn’t have to break my neck trying to see him.
“What do mean by ‘away’?”
He took a breath and looked down at his hands. “I think I’m going to treatment. An inpatient treatment.” I knew he’d been before, without much success.
“Yeah? Do you think it will help?”
He nodded. “I think this time it will. I can’t let all this shit eat away at my life. I’m only twenty-three and I don’t want my life to be over yet. Not when it feels like it hasn’t even started.”
“I think that’s a really mature thing to say and a very mature decision to make. Have you talked to Lucah and Tate about it?”
He walked around the couch and sat down next to me.
“No, I haven’t yet. I wasn’t sure if I could do it. I found this place online that looks amazing. It’s out in the mountains of Colorado. You get to hike and climb rocks and do all sorts of things while you get therapy. The only thing is that it costs money. Money I do not have.” His face went red again. I didn’t know why he was suddenly embarrassed by his lack of money.