I laughed. Okay, fine. I could wait a few hours. I’d burn with curiosity, but I’d wait.
Lucah was taking the day off work to drive Ryder to the airport. I hadn’t asked if I could go and they hadn’t offered to let me. It would probably be a disaster anyway. I didn’t want to give him any temptation to change his mind. Besides, I thought about that night when we’d kissed as our farewell. Not goodbye. Just a farewell for now.
In one month he’d be back. My fashion show would be over, and I’d be on to pitching my lingerie line to stores and hoping to outsource all my production to manufacturers. I’d sort of hoped he could come to the show and see everything, but it would be on video and he could watch it when he got back. This treatment was so much more important for him.
The morning of Ryder’s departure, I walked halfway down the hall toward Rory and Lucah’s place before spinning right around and going back to my place. I hadn’t listened to the message, but I’d spent all night pretty much staring at my phone, fighting the urge. But I’d held out and I only had a few more hours.
I got ready for work as usual and took the T like I always did. My phone felt like it was burning a hole in my purse.
Inari gave me a sympathetic look when she came into my office.
“He’s not dying, Inari. He’s going to treatment for a month. He’ll be back and he’ll be sober and have his shit together. Or at least he’ll have started to get his shit together.” I didn’t think the thirty days were going to completely change years of destructive behavior. It was going to take time and work, but at least he was on the right path.
“I know, but he is going to be gone for a while,” I said. I wasn’t going to tell her that I had his exact hour of arrival in my phone and an alarm that was going to go off. And I probably wouldn’t need the alarm.
“Still, it’s a long time. A lot can happen in a month,” she said.
“A lot can happen in just a moment,” I said.
She smiled.
“Yes, you’re right.”
~*~*~
My eyeballs were glued to the clock the whole morning, and I barely got any work done because I was always watching to see when it would be noon. I hoped his plane didn’t get delayed. But maybe his just leaving the house counted as “leaving.” We hadn’t specified, but I was going with noon. I didn’t want to wait any longer.
I had my phone out at 11:56. I couldn’t explain why I was so beyond excited for this message, but I was—like a kid on Christmas morning who knows they’re getting a pony.
Finally, the clock ticked over to twelve, and I played the message.
“Hey, Sloane. I know how you love it when I say your name. So I’ll leave you with this. Sloane, Sloane, Sloane, Sloane, Sloane . . .” He kept saying it, but with a different tone and emphasis each time.
“There. I said it thirty times. One for each day. Oh, and I love you. This might be the worst possible timing for me to tell you that, but I can’t hold it in any longer. I also know I might be totally fucking things up again by saying that. I’m going to miss you, but I want to do this for you, and I want to do this for me. I want to try to be the kind of man you deserve, even if you don’t want me back.” His voice cracked a little and I wiped away a few tears. I was holding the phone so tight it was hurting my hand.
“Anyway,” he said, clearing his throat, “that’s what I wanted to say. Your name and that I love you, and I’ll come back a better man. Promise. Farewell, Sloane.”
The message clicked off and my phone asked me if I wanted to delete it.
“Hell no!” I yelled, and saved the message.
Then I listened to it four more times.
Twenty-Five
Rory texted me around one that Ryder was on the plane and taking off. Inari had taken me out to lunch, and we were taking our sweet time. I was much too distracted to work today.
“I can’t believe he told you he loved you,” she said.
“I know. And he didn’t give me a chance to say it back, the bastard.”
“Why don’t you write to him? You can do that, right?”
I shook my head and sipped my sangria. I felt like celebrating today.
“No. He’s allowed to send stuff out, but we can’t send him things. I mean, it makes sense, but it totally sucks for me.”
I poked at my salad then pushed it aside.