It was amazing what money could buy.
It was also amazing what it couldn’t. And what time couldn’t change.
No matter how hot she made the shower, she couldn’t burn out the images of that night. She’d tried. She’d tried for ten years, and still, they came back to her with surprising clarity. The sensations. The feelings.
Fuck.
She grabbed the bottle of shampoo that was in the shower and soaped up her hair so roughly that her scalp stung. She did it again, rougher yet, as though she could wash or beat the images out of her brain.
Too bad that all the sensation was encased in her heart.
She’d kept it a secret, locked in the darkest recesses of her soul. For as long as she could remember ever caring about boys, she’d noticed Jesse. Even when he was geeky and kind of nerdy and didn’t like sports. He had a tender soul. They’d once found a baby bird who’d fallen out of the nest. The poor, tiny little thing didn’t have any feathers. Its skin was a blue hue, the veins apparent. Jesse had picked it up, tears glistening in his eyes. They were thirteen, so too old to really cry about the cruelties of life, but it didn’t matter to him. That little bird who never had a chance- it mattered. He’d taken the bird, wrapped it up in a white washcloth, and buried it under the biggest tree in his back yard, all without saying a word. She’d watched him do it, stood there in silent support, amazed at his capacity to feel for the world around him when most people their age- any age- didn’t give a shit.
He was like that now. Cared about helping the world. Cared about making a difference.
Yeah. Seeing him again pretty much skewered her right in the same place it always had. Straight in her heart. Because since she was sixteen, she remembered the exact day it happened- on their joint sixteenth birthday party that Jesse’s mom planned for them- she’d known she was in love with her best friend.
Jesse hadn’t done anything different. It was her. She’d changed. She’d woken the hell up and realized that her best friend had sprouted broad shoulders and gotten tall, that his voice changed and that he was stronger than her, but that his heart would always be that tender, kind heart that was so rare in the world.
So yeah. That night, when they’d had too much to drink and honestly, when she’d given in to what she wanted but had always denied herself, because she’d rather break her own heart than lose Jesse, it scared the shit out of her.
She didn’t know what to do after. How to stick around and try and pick up the pieces of everything that shattered. Nothing was the same. Nothing could ever have been the same. Leaving seemed like the best option.
She thought Jesse would get on with his life. Find someone that could make him happy. Find a pretty woman who had a heart of light and hair the color of sunshine. She figured he’d have a family with her, forget all about his childhood best friend the same way she’d never forget a single detail of that night no matter how many times she tried to erase it from her mind.
He hadn’t.
He hadn’t moved on.
Neither had she.
And now she was there, trapped in his house with him for two more days just so she could go back to living a life that was ultimately empty. What was wrong with her that she couldn’t just admit to herself that she loved him? Admit it to him and go from there?
The old fear came back, nearly choking her as she rinsed the shampoo out of her hair. It had started to run down her face and was burning her eyes. Or maybe that was just the harsh prick of the tears gathering there, sliding down her face, the moisture indistinguishable from the shower’s spray.
She couldn’t stay. She’d have to be strong. Stay strong, like she’d always managed to do, minus that one terrible, horrible, blissful night that was going to haunt her forever. The truth was, she’d always known that Jesse deserved someone better. Somehow who saw the world the way he did. Someone who wanted to make a difference. She sat in an office every single day and answered phones. Scheduled board meetings and booked flights. She did absolutely nothing for the world. She had nothing to contribute. She’d always wondered, even when they were younger, why Jesse chose her as his best friend. Sure, he was nerdy, a little dorky, but his light and his energy were attractive enough that he made friends wherever he went. He never cared about that though. He’d stuck with her.
It didn’t make sense. Even when it was obvious that maybe he was into her, it still didn’t make sense. She always knew how the relationship would end up. Jesse would get older, find a million things that he was passionate about, and outgrow her. He’d leave her behind, break it to her gently, let her down as easy as he could. He’d tell her it was him, not her, but she’d always know the truth.