Desperate to Touch

“Well him being back in my life…” I start to tell her, grabbing hold of the reason, and therefore a semblance of control. “Seth saying…” I almost tell her Babygirl, but I don’t want to give Bethany that much. It feels like a violation of what we have. “Seth saying my name…” I look her in the eyes only after I’ve spoken the last line of deception and continue, “It’s bringing back a lot of shit for me.”

“That makes sense.” She nods in understanding, and it helps. It makes such a difference just to feel understood. “You’re wrecked. You look it, too.”

“Well thanks, bestie,” I joke and it makes us both ease into a short laugh. I have to sniffle, although I haven’t cried and when I do, she continues.

“So you are emotional… in a negative way.”

“Right.”

“Were you afraid of what he’d do?”

“No, I was afraid of how he’d make me feel.”

“How did he make you feel?” she asks.

“All sorts of ways.”

“But did you get butterflies?” There’s a note of optimism in her question.

I peek at her over my coffee, taking a large gulp and praying it gives me energy I desperately need. It’s only lukewarm now. “Yeah, I got all sorts of butterflies.” Every scene from yesterday washes over me. And even if he was… harder, harsher even, a heat I can’t deny betrays my pride. “He…” I can’t finish the statement without a blush warming my cheeks.

With wide eyes and an eager grin, Bethany reacts and says, “Oh my God, you’re blushing. Since when do you blush?”

A laugh bubbles from my lips and I shake my head. I swear Seth will always give me butterflies. As if in response to that thought, my heart flutters that odd beat and I place my hand over the wild thing, trying to calm it.

“So …” Bethany presses.

“He thinks he can tell me what to do and I’ll simply be his.” For the second time today, I roll my eyes. It’s followed by a smirk though as I add, “But he went down on me yesterday.”

If it’s possible, her eyes go even wider with this confession.

“He didn’t get me off, though.” I don’t hide my disappointment.

Her response is comical and gets the attention of the older man with thin white hair as she exclaims, “Bastard!”

I smile into my coffee, sipping it. Even though it’s not hot, it’s delicious. “Yeah, he’s a bastard. It’s a little more serious than the way I’m saying it,” I confess.

“The Cross brothers are always a little more serious.”

“He’s not a Cross brother.”

“He’s one of them. And they are more… intense. I understand that.”

The air changes between us at the reminder of the occupation of our love interests, if I can even call Seth that anymore, making the lighthearted conversation steer back into the severity it will always claim.

“Sorry you didn’t get off,” Bethany says, trying to keep it light even though I know she can feel it too.

“Don’t worry. I got myself off last night to spite him.”

She laughs first and then I join in.

“Were you thinking of him?” she questions and even though I don’t laugh anymore, there’s still the hint of a smile on my face when I nod. It’s a sad smile though.

I thought of who he used to be. I don’t tell her that.

Bethany chuckles and downs the rest of her tea. I don’t laugh anymore. All the memories flicker back to me, ending with Cami and I have to set my mug down. Guilt worms its way up my throat, knowing I haven’t told Bethany about Cami.

“You didn’t tell me any of this in all the years we’ve been friends, you know?”

“I didn’t tell anyone. I just wanted to forget.”

“I get that. Doesn’t look like you’ll be able to forget now.”

“I don’t know how I’ll get through it,” I respond absently, not realizing how true the statement is until it’s out there.

“You’ll figure it out. You’re a smart girl.”

“Not when it comes to him.” My heart tumbles at the very thought of him. Which reminds me… “I need to swing by the pharmacy and head out,” I tell Bethany as I reach down to my satchel on the floor and search for my keys.

“Birth control?” she questions.

“Arrhythmia.”

She blinks rapidly, a frown marring her face before picking up her teacup again. “I didn’t know. I’m learning a lot about you today.”

Worry and panic dance in the pit of my stomach. It’s a short little number, but I know why. I’m afraid Bethany won’t like me if she learns it all.

“I was diagnosed right before I left California. I didn’t get the pills until after I’d moved away. You know how it is, I got busy with school and work. I didn’t have any symptoms so I didn’t refill my meds over the years. But I can feel it now.”