57
Ihelped her to bed, and she crashed face first into the pillow and passed out right away. I sat on the edge of the bed and stroked her hair, watching her, wondering what the hell we were going to do.
She wasn’t happy. I could tell that. She hadn’t said a word about getting rid of it, thank goodness, because I’d known as soon as I’d seen her walk back into that room, pale-faced and panicked, that I wanted to keep this kid. I would have let her make the final decision, no matter what, but I was glad I wouldn’t have to fight her on this one.
In the meantime, we had so much to talk about. I was still racking my brains as to how she had even gotten pregnant, but I guessed we had been hooking up a lot these last few weeks. Maybe I had forgotten to use a condom one of those times in the rush of it all, in the thrill of finally having her be mine. I hadn’t wanted this baby, but as soon as I’d seen her walk out of that room, I’d known it was the perfect thing to fill out our little family. Amaya, Jolene, this baby, and me. It would be perfect if I could just convince her to see it the same way I did.
I paced the apartment for a long time and tried to figure out how best to handle this. I got a couple of calls from work but ignored them. I had bigger things to think about. In fact, everything else seemed to pale in comparison to what was going through my mind at the moment. Eventually, my stomach began grumbling, and I dug through the takeout menus to find something I actually wanted. I picked out a small diner not far from the apartment and ordered us some grilled cheese and soup, something comforting that would help settle her stomach, or at least that’s what I hoped. A half-hour later, the food arrived, and I went to wake up my sleeping fiancée, the mother of my child. Fuck, that was a weird thought.
“Hey, Amaya?” I poked my head around the door and found her already sleepily sitting up in bed. She smiled at me nervously, pulling the covers up and around herself.
“I guess we need to talk, huh?” she remarked a little ruefully, and I nodded but held up the bags of food I had with me.
“I come bearing dinner.” I grinned and made my way over to her to lay out the food between us. She tucked into the tomato soup hungrily, and as soon as she began to eat, she started to look better. I sat next to her on the bed, and neither of us said anything as we tucked in, both of us enjoying those last few moments before we would have to face up to the matter at hand. But finally, she raised her gaze, put down the little plastic spoon that came with the order, and sighed.
“We can’t avoid talking about this forever,” she remarked.
“Seems like you want to give it a go,” I teased, and she smiled and shook her head.
“All of this just came as so much of a shock,” she replied, and her shoulders slumped even as she tried to keep the smile on her face. “I never in a million years … I mean, we were always so careful.”
“Yeah, but sometimes these things just don’t work the way they’re meant to,” I reminded her gently. “It’s not your fault or mine. It just happened, and now we have to deal with it.”
“Like how?” She looked up at me nervously. “How do you want to deal with it?”
“I want to keep it,” I assured her. “As long as you do.”
“I do.” She nodded, and both of us breathed a sigh of relief.
“Okay, so we’re going to have it.” I nodded, and suddenly, she let out a burst of laughter.
“What’s so funny?”
“I just can’t believe this is actually happening, that’s all.” She slapped her hand over her mouth to stop herself. “It’s just so crazy.”
“No, me neither,” I replied. “Not for a long time, anyway.”
“You thought about having kids with me before this?” She raised her eyebrows, speaking softly. “I didn’t know that.”
“Amaya, there isn’t anything I haven’t thought about doing with you,” I replied fiercely, and I took her hand and held it tight. “When I said I wanted to marry you, that I loved you, I meant it. Everything. I want everything that comes with a life together.”
“Oh my god,” she muttered, and she lowered her gaze. “I never thought …”
I knew what she was going to say, even though she trailed off in the middle of the sentence. She never thought I would be capable of love like this. When we’d met, I was a cynic, certain the world revolved around what was best for me from a practical standpoint. Then, she had come along and reminded me there was so much more to life than what worked for me, than my petty needs and wants.
“Me neither,” I finished up for her. “So much has changed. We’ve coped with everything else. Why not this too?”
“I don’t think it’s going to be that easy,” she remarked nervously, fiddling with a loose thread on the side of the bed. “I mean, it’s going to change everything. And your family—”
“My family has already dealt with the weirdest shit from the two of us these last few months,” I reminded her. “I really don’t think this is going to upset them. You know how long my nonna has been waiting for great-grandchildren? She’ll be here every day, helping out.”
“Yeah, that’s what I’m worried about,” Amaya joked, and then she shook her head again. “But with Jolene, I don’t know.”
“Amaya, not everything can be planned in advance,” I reminded her. “I know you like having control over everything, but you need to let go. If we’re going to have this kid, you can’t bother clinging onto order. Everything’s going to change, and you need to be all right with that.”
She looked at me and bit her lip. I could see the fear on her face, sure, but I could also see the excitement, too, buried underneath it. The thrill of starting a family with me.
“We’re really doing this, huh?” she remarked, and I nodded.