Desperate to Touch

“Stop it!” I scream. “You don’t know anything about my father,” I say, barely getting the choked words out, tears flowing easily down my cheeks as I take another step back, hitting the coffee table and nearly falling backward.

Seth explains, his eyes turning red and a tortuous tone in his voice as he says, “My father… he couldn’t let yours live. I wanted it to look like an accident. I didn’t want to kill him. I didn’t want to, but he made me. He said it was the only—”

“Stop it, please,” I say as my legs go weak and tremble. My shoulders hunch in as I round the coffee table, backing away as Seth gets closer to me. I need to get to the door. I have to get the fuck out of here. “Stop it,” I beg him.

It’s not true. He’s just drunk. It can’t be true, but the hurt in my chest, oh my God, it can’t be true. Denial is the first stage of grief.

“He said I had to do it if I wanted it to be an accident.” Seth’s eyes reflect mine. Glossy and wishing what he’s saying wasn’t true.

I don’t know how or why, but I slam my fist into his jaw, only once before taking off. It’s all a blur. I don’t remember thinking of reacting, choosing to leave. My body’s hot and numb and disbelief turns me blind to what’s happening. I do it, though. I hit him square in his jaw. Leaving Seth behind me, holding his jaw in shock. I run faster than him, I get out of the house and into my car before I see him in the doorway. The burning pain in my knuckles is nothing.

It’s nothing compared to the pain ripping through me as I speed away.

Seth

Fuck. That wasn’t the way it was supposed to happen. My head’s spinning. I shouldn’t be driving. Jase was right, I should have stayed at the bar or with him or anywhere else. I shouldn’t have let him and Anthony drive me home.

I wish they’d been there when I walked in and saw she wasn’t there. I stayed outside while they drove off, gathering whatever composure I could. It was a recipe for disaster. Everything about our story is meant for tragedy. It all could have been different, if only.

Fuck! I slam my hand onto the steering wheel, feeling the stinging pain from the already formed bruises. I do it again and again, just to feel it. I deserve it.

Reckless. I was reckless with her. I never should have said a damn thing. Selfish. I did it because I needed to know she’d still love me after. Selfish.

The lights turn red. I swear every light has turned red on my way to her house. Praying she’s there, praying she’ll forgive me, doesn’t offer me any hope. Why would she? I already knew she wouldn’t. She wouldn’t love me if she knew. She never really loved me, because she didn’t know. It’s why I could never make the first move; it’s why I could never tell her those words she needed to hear, I love you. It was such a lie.

I was never worthy of that love. It wasn’t real.

Thunk! I slam my fist against my window, wanting to feel even more pain. The pain is so wretched in my chest that swallowing feels like suffocation.

I wish I could take it back. All of it. I wish I could rewrite our story.

My head falls back against the leather seat as I slow to stop at another red light. My face is hot and my breathing staggered, but my body is wired. My leg doesn’t stop the constant tapping.

Thank fuck the streets are barren. There’s not a soul out tonight.

Time moves too slowly; all the while anxiousness eats me up inside. My tires squeal when I pull into the parking lot outside Laura’s place. Her car’s already parked.

My body sags with relief of at least knowing where she is.

She’s safe. That’s all that matters tonight. She’s safe.

If Jase hadn’t wanted me to tell him… If I didn’t have to tell him, I wouldn’t have had to relive it.

With my fist at my jaw, I stare at Laura’s window. The lights are on; she’s inside. The sad truth is that it was going to happen eventually. I always knew it would. Her leaving me was a blessing. I should have let her go. I shouldn’t have brought her into this hell again. Selfish.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, feeling the loss all over again and knowing it’s my fault. My hands don’t stop shaking.

I did it for her though. I remember telling Jase over and over. I did do it for her. She didn’t have to know her father was a rat. Vito wanted to hurt him by hurting Laura, and that wasn’t something that could happen.