Shit. How much did I drink last night?
Once I’m done thoroughly embarrassing myself, I turn back to Jess which is when I notice my R8 sitting in the drive, covered from head to toe in dirt. Fuck. Nate was here in the middle of the night and I’m sure as hell he wouldn’t have missed Jesse and I passed out in the grass. Hopefully, we weren’t spooning at that point.
I trudge back over to Jesse feeling worse than I did before bringing up chunks. “Better?” he says as I fall down into the grass beside him.
Shaking my head, I look down at the grass and start picking at the grass. “Friends are supposed to hold each other’s hair back,” I tell him.
His face scrunches up in disgust. “Fuck that. I don’t want to get anywhere near that shit when you’re hurling. You’re on your own.”
I roll my eyes. I should have expected that from him. “We got a problem.”
He looks over at me and grunts before laying back down in the grass and closing his eyes. “What?”
“My car’s here,” I tell him.
“So? Shouldn’t it be?”
“No,” I groan. “It wasn’t here when we got home last night which means Nate dropped it off after we passed out.”
His eyes flash open. “You’re telling me he already knows about this shit?” he questions, waving his fingers between the two of us. “Fuck,” he curses, getting himself to his feet. “I’m out of here. I need to go grovel and get my face kicked in.”
“Alright,” I groan, also getting to my feet. “Have fun.”
We go our separate ways and I get myself inside where I instantly collapse down into my bed. My body desperately needs me to shut off and go back to sleep, but my mind just won’t allow it. All I can think about is Nate seeing me in his brother’s arms. It shouldn’t bother me, after all, he broke up with me. I should be allowed to crawl into the arms of any man I want, yet this is Nate. His pain is my pain.
I can’t help but feel that last night shouldn’t have happened. Nate and Brooke were both right. I was an idiot to think I could race on that track and come out unscathed. I guess this is karma for being such an idiot last night.
I hated the way he looked at me last night. It reminded me of the old him and now I’ve gone and rubbed salt in the wound by waking up next to his brother. I feel as though I owe him an explanation, when in reality, I owe him nothing. Ok, well, maybe I owe him a ‘thank you’ for bringing my car back, but that’s it. Apart from that, nothing.
I guess the only good thing that came from last night was that I got to see him. I saw the devastation in his eyes and the intense need that he has for me which helped to make me feel a bit better about the situation. If he didn’t have that, I’d probably wonder if I ever meant anything to him, but I see that he was honest in his reasoning. I shouldn’t have doubted him, he did what he thought was right for me. He sacrificed his own heart thinking it would be the best chance to give me a successful start to my future. Just because I don’t agree with it doesn’t mean that’s not his truth.
I hate it, though. I’d give anything to have just one more day with him. Feel his arms around me one more time. Have him whisper those three little words in the dead of the night. If I knew last week was going to be the last time, maybe I would have committed it to memory a little better. I would have treasured the moment with everything I have. Instead, I’m left behind with a heart full of regrets.
I guess seeing him for the first time after the break up is a good thing and seeing him away from school is probably even better. It would save me the embarrassment of sitting in class on Monday morning in tears as he sits behind me in Mr. Miller’s class. I’m certainly not looking forward to it, but there’s not a thing I can do. At least now I’ll have a better chance of keeping the tears at bay.
Shit. I have to man up. There have probably been countless hearts in my school which Nate has broken. I’m just another one added to the list. I’m nothing special when it comes to him. I shouldn’t be making a big deal of my broken heart. I should just let it go and try to move on.
I sink down into my bed and pull the covers right up to my chin. My night seriously sucked and now I have to grovel at my best friend’s feet. Why was it so hard for me to listen to reason last night? All I had to do was go out and have a good time. Instead, I fucked everything up. Hell, I even got in a car with Jackson Millington. But then, maybe he deserves a little credit. He got me out of a tight spot and saved my ass. He was being a decent guy just like he promised to be. He drove me to the party, made sure I was with someone who would look after me, and then graciously ducked out before causing a scene with Jess. We even had a decent conversation which didn’t make me shudder with annoyance.