I grimace, even though I can’t fault her for that. “I feel bad about that now. I thought you were—I like you too much to have started things off that way.”
“It doesn’t matter,” she assures me kindly, draping her arm around my waist again. “Consider yourself off the hook.”
“You didn’t deserve to be treated that way,” I insist.
Shrugging, she says, “I did something really bad and you were trying to protect someone you love. I understand why you were angry.”
“That doesn’t justify what I did,” I say, needing to know she gets it.
“Why do we have to talk about it?” she asks, peering up at me. “It feels like circumstances have changed, right? So, we can pivot and move on.”
“Because I need to know you’re not just lying in my bed right now because you’re easy to take advantage of,” I blurt.
Her brow furrows and she scowls up at me. “Easy to take advantage of?” she questions slowly, an edge to her tone.
“Were you in love with Theo?” I ask her.
Her brow furrows even more and she asks a little defensively, “What does that have to do with this?”
“Just answer the question.”
She frowns at me and starts to pull away. “No, I wasn’t in love with Theo.”
“Then why did you have sex with him?”
Moving all the way to her side of the bed so she’s not touching me, she flings back, “Have you been in love with every woman you’ve ever had sex with?”
“Well, no.”
“Then why should I have to be?” she demands, clearly offended. “What kind of fucked-up double standard is that?”
“That’s not what I meant,” I say, scooting closer to her side since she left mine. “I’m just trying to understand why and how it happened. Neither of you have given me a very clear picture. He says it just happened and you say you weren’t in love with him, but Theo wasn’t just some random man you met. I might not have been in love with every woman I’ve had sex with, but none of them were married, either. Obviously, that changes things. It wasn’t a casual, easy hook-up. It carried a lot of risk for a lot of people, and I want to know what made you take a risk like that if it wasn’t love. You’re not a selfish or vicious person. Now that I’ve met you, I can’t see you being thoughtless enough to do something like this without realizing all the people it could hurt, and I can’t see you not caring about that. It doesn’t make sense that you’d do something like that without… some kind of reason. What is it? Fill in the blank for me, help me understand.”
I can see there’s something on the tip of her tongue, but she doesn’t share it. She sits up in the bed, bringing her knees close to her chest and wrapping her arms around them protectively, but she doesn’t say a word.
“I won’t get mad,” I offer since she knows this is a sore subject for me. “I know someone I love is involved, but I’m not listening to react for Bri. I’m listening to understand you, and I promise I won’t get mad at you for telling me the truth.”
“Yes, you will. You may think that now, but once I tell you, you won’t like it.”
“I just want to understand your side, that’s all. I know there are three sides to every story. I have pieces of his, now give me some of yours.”
“I like to feel needed,” she states, quickly looking over at me to gauge my reaction. “You won’t like hearing this because he’s married to your sister, but there’s something he’s not getting at home. I’m not blaming Bri or saying he was right to search for it anywhere else, and I’m certainly not saying it made it all right for me to sleep with him. I’m not justifying anything that happened, I’m just explaining.”
Since she’s already so defensive, I nod patiently to let her know I understand.
“To be perfectly honest, now that I know what an asshole he is, I don’t even care if he’s not happy, but… you asked, and the reason is, he’s not happy, and I felt like I made him happy for just a little bit. I thought if no one ever had to find out, maybe it couldn’t hurt anyone. You can think it’s stupid or thoughtless all you want, but I truly never thought Bri would find out. I never wanted to hurt her. I wasn’t okay with the idea of hurting her, and I just thought it could be a secret. I didn’t even think it would happen again after that first time, but then… I don’t know, once that floodgate was open he seemed to think he could dip back into it whenever he wanted. It wasn’t my intention and I knew the potential consequences got worse each time after, but I didn’t know what to do. Theo was older and more mature than me, or so I thought. It was his family on the line, so I figured he must have it under control if he kept doing it. Now I think maybe I gave him too much credit, but I didn’t know what he was really like back then.” Shrugging, she says, “Anyway, you asked why, and that’s why. I’m sorry I don’t have a better reason for you, but there isn’t a good one. Maybe being in love with him would’ve been a better one, but I never was. I liked him, I was attracted to him, sure, but not in love.”