The Imperfections

I don’t have much left to say to him now, and I’m so disappointed while also telling myself I don’t have a right to be.

It’s not like Brant ever asked me out or anything. This feels intimate to me because we’ve slept together, but he’s more or less been telling me not to make too much of that the whole time. I let myself get confused because when you’re living in a man’s house, taking care of his dog, keeping him fed, and taking his dick every night… well, it just tends to feel relationship-like.

My mistake.

No wonder he never kissed me.

Brant says a little more about Bri and Theo and how I’m supposed to handle that going forward, but I stop listening. I don’t care anymore. I feel so stupid for thinking I was more than a problem he was solving that just conveniently came with sex. I feel so stupid for the times over these past couple of days I thought maybe he really liked me. I definitely feel stupid for all the times it’s crossed my mind how much I’m starting to like him.

It’s crazy, because we’ve only known each other for a weekend, but it felt like longer to me. Granted, they were a really immersive couple of days, and being with Brant feels so natural and comfortable, like I’ve known him for ages.

Now I feel rejected and disappointed and unwanted and misunderstood, and it all stings.

I also wish he had waited until after the movie to ruin my night with his awful talk, because once dinner’s over, I don’t feel like watching it anymore. I do the dishes since I imagine he’ll take me home first thing in the morning, and even though I’m mad at him, I want to leave the place clean. I worked hard to scrub this place until every surface sparkled; he might as well enjoy it for at least a day until he bachelors it back up again.

After dinner, I can tell he’s ready to be done fighting, but I’m not. All those awful things he said to me don’t just go in one ear and out the other like he must expect them to since he thinks I’m some kind of idiot.

When he comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist at the sink, I ignore him. When he starts running his lips up and down the side of my neck, I reject the way my stupid body shudders with pleasure.

When he murmurs, “You ready to watch that movie?” I have every intention of telling him I’m too tired and I want to go to bed.

When I open my mouth, though, I can’t seem to find the words. As much as one part of me just wants to go to sleep and be done with this whole ordeal since he clearly is, the other part wants to make the most of my last night here. I can be mad at him after he takes me home and I have to get over him; for now, I might as well enjoy a few extra moments with the big jerk.

We do watch the movie, and it ends up being a pretty bad idea. Everything that happens in it feels to me like a shadow of our weekend together, just without the happy ending. No, Brant’s not some rich investor in town on business, but I do feel a little like the hooker he only intended to pass a little time with, especially at the end, when she’s feeling things for him and they both want to see each other again, but he’s being a stupid dumb guy about it and she ends up having to go off on her own, just changed by their few days together.

Since it’s a movie, of course it doesn’t end there. Of course he pulls his head out of his ass right before it’s too late and realizes he doesn’t want to go on without her.

Since this isn’t a movie, that’s not how things will go for me.

Since my story isn’t any kind of love story, Brant doesn’t take me upstairs, kiss me on the mouth, and make slow, passionate love to me. He doesn’t realize he’d like to keep seeing me, or that he was just being an ogre at dinner because he doesn’t want any other man’s hands on me—not just Theo’s—and it’s because he cares. He doesn’t realize it doesn’t have a damn thing to do with his sister or his lack of confidence in me and the choices I make.

Instead, he showers alone while I pack my things in his bedroom. I put on the blue nightgown I wore the night he brought me here and climb into bed by myself. I curl up away from him and close my eyes when the bathroom door opens so he thinks I’m asleep. After the movie, I asked if I could turn my phone on and charge it overnight, but he wouldn’t let me.