Well, not forget.
But I didn’t think about it for a little while.
Now I’m calmer. Sleepier. More relaxed. I’m not the emotional tornado I was when I stormed out of his study. That’s a far better starting place.
“Don’t fall asleep on me,” he murmurs.
I tilt my head back to look up at him, offering a hint of a smile. “I won’t.”
“We still have to talk,” he states.
“I know,” I reply, calmly. “You can start anytime. I think I’m ready.”
“I don’t want to upset you.”
“Will I be upset?” I ask, recapturing his gaze.
“I’m not sure anymore,” he says, a bit wryly. “I thought I knew. Turns out, no.”
“I promise to be calm and hear you out,” I tell him, since he probably needs to know I’m not going to have a psychotic break on him mid-talk.
Looking a little relieved, he says, “Good.”
But he releases me, like he doesn’t think he should be holding me while we have this discussion. I tug the sheet around me, making a little more space between us on the bed.
“I want to start by assuring you that this has nothing to do with you. With us. I love our life. I am very happy with you. I love you. None of that will change regardless of where we go from here.”
I wish I had some Tums. This conversation is already making my stomach hurt.
“But I also have feelings for Mia. Different feelings, but… feelings. I love you. And I love her.”
I might throw up, but I somehow manage to nod my understanding.
“And I want both of you.”
Holy shit.
“And I want it to be nice. I want a relationship. I don’t want an affair. I don’t want betrayal. I don’t want this to hurt anyone. I want both of you on board. I want your friendship to be exactly the way it has been. You both love each other, you both love me, and I love you both—I think that’s why this can work. We aren’t in a triangle, we’re in a circle. The love doesn’t hit a point and stop. We all love each other.”
My stomach weirdly doesn’t hurt anymore, but my head is spinning. “You want an open relationship?”
“No,” he says, shaking his head. “Not open. No one else will ever be involved. Just the three of us. I get something different from each of you, and I think long-term, this works better. Mia could never handle me on her own. You could, but I’d wear on you. I already have. Imagine ten more years. Twenty.”
I don’t know if I necessarily agree with that assessment. I was handling him just fine until last night. Even when he stopped hiding his attraction to Mia, I played it off and kept cool. Maybe that was my mistake. Or maybe my mistake was believing it wouldn’t happen in the first place. Silly me, thinking the man who asked me to marry him might only have eyes for me forever after.
“What if I say no?”
“Then it doesn’t happen,” he responds, easily.
“Does it not happen, or does it happen and you both just lie to me?”
“No,” he says firmly, shaking his head.
Of course, his denial doesn’t necessarily mean he’s telling the truth. But I’m going to choose to believe he is. It wouldn’t be the first time he denied his own desires for me. It doesn’t happen often, but it’s not completely unfathomable.
This is a lot to consider.
I am happy with Mateo—do I really think I’d be happier without him? I don’t even know for sure that’s an option for me anymore. He said the offer was open when I got shot, but how would I even extract myself from him now that we’re having a baby? I don’t want to, but if he had an affair with Mia?
The scarier question—don’t I want him to be happy? Yes, we’re happy together, but if having Mia, too, would make him happier… and it wouldn’t make me any less happy…
Even Mia—I want her to be happy, too. I know she isn’t happy with Vince. I know she wants Mateo.
What if we could both have him? What if we could all be happy? What if we could all be happy together?
“What if she says no?” I ask. “She’s more possessive than I am.”
Rolling his eyes at the ridiculousness of my question, he says, “Don’t worry about Mia. I can convince her to do anything. I can get Mia on board.”
“But even if she said yes, what makes you think she could handle it? Or that I could? Or that any of us could? I’ve certainly never had a relationship like the one you’re proposing.”
“Our relationship doesn’t have to change,” he tells me. “We’ll do whatever you’re comfortable with. I can keep my relationships with each of you separate, if that’s what makes everyone happy.”
“This is fucking crazy,” I tell him, shaking my head a little.