Voyeur

“Sorry, I didn’t tell you sooner, the Post-it note I wrote it on got lost under all this craziness. Do you need me to find you another student aide for something?”

“No, no. Thank you.”

I’d returned to my office and tried to focus on anything but Oaklyn. Once the clock struck four o’clock and people started going home, I still sat there. Rationalizing that if she thought I went home and wasn’t there, that she may show up for something. It didn’t happen.

The sun had lowered over two hours ago and I needed to admit defeat. I closed down my computer and tossed my glasses to the side carelessly. Oaklyn flooded my mind as I wiped my hands down my face. How had I gotten here? An adult lurking in his own office waiting for his student to possibly show up. I should’ve been home, but my desires were urging me to do all I could to see her.

I stared at the black frames haphazardly laying in the middle of papers, having knocked the stack out of alignment. Immediately, I re-situated the papers until the edges evened up, grabbed the glasses and folded the arms in before resting the eyewear at the top center of my desk.

Shaking my head at my inability to just toss something on a desk, I stood from my desk and packed up my bag.

I had just stepped off the elevator on the bottom floor when I heard my name.

“Callum?”

Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes and forced a smile on my face when I turned. “Hey, Shannon. What are you doing here so late?”

“Ugh.” She dropped her head back with an eye-roll. “Staff meeting. It didn’t start until almost six, so we’re just getting done.”

“That’s disappointing for a Friday.”

“Tell me about it.” A bright smile stretched across her lips as she stood a little taller. “Good news is that I got to run into you.”

“I’m not sure I’m good enough to make a late staff meeting worth it,” I said, laughing and looking away.

She bit her lip as her heavy eyes looked up to mine. She wasn’t done with me yet. “I think you are. Hey, you want to get a drink?”

Taking her in, I considered it. I considered saying yes and finding a distraction in Shannon’s company. She was beautiful, my age, and more importantly, not my student. She checked a lot of boxes, but it wouldn’t have worked out, no matter how much I should have wanted to try, and I didn’t want to lead her on.

“Thank you for the offer, but it’s been a hell of a day, and I’m just going to head home for an early night.”

“Okay,” she said, disappointed. I hated that I did that, but I would have hated myself more if I’d gone when I knew it wasn’t where I wanted to be. “Maybe some other time.”

Evading an answer, I nodded once, letting her take from that what she wanted. “Well, I’m parked over here. You have a good night.”

“Thanks, Cal,” she said to my back. I’d already turned toward my car.

By the time I got into the driver’s seat, I was at a new low. Feeling like I was never going to find a relationship, that maybe I didn’t deserve one. Didn’t deserve intimacy like a normal twenty-nine-year-old man. I hated these waves of emotions that hit me. Fifteen fucking years and I still let my demons rule me. Would they forever keep me from a future with a companion? There was a beautiful woman—sweet, kind—standing in front of me, and I’d turned her down. Why? Because all I could remember was a racing heart and sweating when she touched me?

I sat in my car, gripping my keys too tightly waiting to hear the crack of the plastic fob.

Maybe I could go to Voyeur. It always calmed me when I was down about my bleak future. Maybe Oaklyn would be there. And what? Maybe I could pin her to the bed again and feel her squeeze around my fingers? Maybe so I could feel her soft skin on mine?

So she could calm my mind?

Fuck, when was the last time I’d been around a woman intimately and not had my mind racing, preparing for the panic to set in? The last time I came with someone so close and didn’t end up shaking with old nightmares consuming me?

She was an enigma. I couldn’t even think of what it was about her that was different. It made no sense. If it had, then I would have happily tried to recreate that magic with almost anyone who wasn’t off-limits.

Yesterday had been hell. Watching Oaklyn sit there and try not to look at me as much as I was trying to not look at her. When our eyes had collided, she’d touched her shoulder and I knew she was remembering the way I’d bit into the soft flesh. Was there a mark to remind her of me? My dick twitched at the thought even now. I’d had to stand behind the lectern for a solid five minutes to get myself under control as I lectured.