I picked up my phone and briefly thought about sending her a text asking if she was ok. But I had been the one to tell her to go. It would only confuse things more if I reached out to her now. Instead, I flipped off my bedroom light and tossed and turned until I finally fell asleep.
When I woke early the next morning, realization crossed my mind. It was Monday. The day Amanda and I were supposed to be getting married. After I’d chased her out the day before though, that surely wasn’t happening now. I needed to talk to her. I needed to try and explain without revealing too much. I didn’t want to tell her that I had fallen for her, because if she didn’t feel the same for me, I didn’t think my heart could take it. I needed to apologize for sending her away and tell her that my lawyer still thought I stood a good chance, even if we were just engaged. I could play at being engaged, but marriage was no longer an option. Because if she wanted a divorce, I would fight her tooth and nail against it.
I got Lanie some breakfast, then settled her in front of a movie. I could tell she was getting sick. She had woken up that morning with a stuffy nose and tired eyes, so I called Tanya and asked her to pick up some medicine before she came to the house. I cradled Lanie close to my body as Snow White began to play, but the moment Tanya walked in with medicine I switched places with her.
“Come here, little one. I have some medicine that’ll make you feel better,” Tanya said.
I stepped out of the room and down the hallway, so I could get to my phone. I needed to call Amanda. I needed to make sure she was okay, and we definitely needed to sit down and talk. And with Tanya being here to watch my niece, it gave us some uninterrupted time to have a decent, open, air-clearing conversation.
“Hello?” Amanda asked.
“Amanda? It’s Brian.”
“I know,” she said.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“Do you care?” she asked.
“I do.”
There was a bit of silence as I heard her rustling around.
“I’m fine,” she said.
I decided not to press her. She sounded pissed. “Could we talk sometime today?” I asked.
“We probably should, yes,” she said.
“How about I make some dinner tonight and we can sit down. I want to explain some things to you,” I said.
She hesitated for a moment before answering. “Are you sure that’s a good idea? I mean, I don’t want Lanie to be any more confused than she probably already is.”
Again, her concern for my niece trumped her own feelings. God damn, she wasn’t making this easy. “I promise, it’ll be fine. We’ll eat and then I’ll put Lanie down and we can talk after she’s asleep.”
The line was quiet for a moment and I thought maybe we’d gotten disconnected. Then, finally, I heard her voice. “Okay. I’ll see you tonight.”
We hung up after agreeing on a time and I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding. I was so fucking torn inside that I didn’t know what to do. I knew I couldn’t marry her, but could I even pretend to be engaged to her? I had always prided myself on having my shit together, but now I felt like an incompetent idiot, making one bad decision after another.
I should have left her stuck in that damn staircase all those weeks ago.
But, no. If I’d done that, my life wouldn’t have been enriched by her laughter. My bed wouldn’t have been warmed by her incredible body. And my niece wouldn’t be happier than I’d ever seen her. All I knew was that I was in deep shit, and I didn’t know how to get out of it. I was fucked if I did,, and fucked if I didn’t.
But this wasn’t about me, was it? This wasn’t even about Amanda. It was about Lanie and what was best for her. And though I didn’t know Amanda as well as I wished I did, I knew enough to know that she would never let Lanie suffer through what she had when she was a little girl. Whatever I asked of her for Lanie’s sake, she would do.
I walked around to Lanie’s sniffling form and bent down in front of her. She leaned into me and I gave her a kiss on her forehead. I smoothed her wispy hair back and looked into her tired eyes, my stomach dropping to my toes. I hated it when she didn’t feel well. She always slept with me whenever she was sick. I grabbed another blanket from the couch and fluttered it around her body as Tanya ran her fingers through my niece’s hair.