He was studying me. Trying to figure out what was wrong without alerting the boys to anything.
“Yeah,” I said, nodding. “Just thinking.”
“About what?” Camillo asked.
“It’s just been a long day,” I said. “Work was rough. Customers are jerks. Same old thing.”
I watched Camillo nod his head as he scanned my face one last time. Cassie’s hand was still resting on my knee and I reached underneath the table to grab it. The guilt was overwhelming, choking the very life out of me, even as my stomach rumbled with hunger. I tried to cast the questions out of my mind. I tried to tell myself to stop thinking like that. I had done what I thought was right. I stayed away from a man who told me he was dangerous and I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl I was determined to provide for. I sacrificed and scraped by, making sure Kevin and Ana could have everything they’d ever wanted.
I did my best. I did what I thought was right. I had to stop thinking the way I was.
If I didn’t, I was going to break down at the kitchen table, and the last thing these children needed to see was me sobbing.
“So,” I said as I squeezed Cassie’s hand. “Is everyone ready for Christmas?”
“Oh, yeah,” Kevin said. “Got my list ready and everything.”
“Me, too,” Junior said.
“What do you want for Christmas, Junior?” I asked.
“A bookcase,” he said. “All my books are in boxes underneath my bed.”
“Do you like to read?” I asked.
“Yeah, do you?” Junior asked.
“When I can,” I said. “What do you enjoy reading?”
“Poetry, mostly. Sometimes fantasy novels. You know, the really long ones.”
“Poetry,” I said as my eyes flickered over to Camillo. “Do you have a favorite author?”
“Right now, I’m reading Yeats.”
“Yeats?” Kevin asked. “Who’s that?”
I was suddenly pulled back into the past. Into the beautiful dungeon lair of my dark prince. I was handcuffed to the bed with Camillo’s body on top of mine, writhing into his chiseled chest while his body stuffed me to the brim. The lines of that tattered note I still kept in my bedside drawer raced through my mind as Junior talked at me, but all I could see were his moving lips.
There was no sound. Only the feeling of those fluffy handcuffs against my wrists, with Camillo’s teeth sunken into my neck.
“Could I read it sometime?” Kevin asked.
“Sure, I could bring it over soon,” Junior said. “Would that be okay?”
My hand was massaging my wrist as my gaze fluttered over to Junior.
“What was that?” I asked.
“Junior wants to bring his book of Yeats over for Kevin to read sometime,” Camillo said.
I could feel his eyes on the motions around my wrists as I dropped my hands to my lap and swallowed deeply.
“Junior, you’re welcome here whenever you want to come over. No matter the day of the week or what time it is. You’re always welcome here. Just like your Uncle.”
“Awesome,” he said, smiling.
“Thanks, sis,” Kevin said.
My eyes gravitated back toward Camillo, who had ripped his gaze from me and was now paying attention to Ana. I looked back over to Cassie, her attention fully trained on me. For the second day in a row, I was no longer hungry for food and I could see the worry bubbling up behind Cassie’s beautiful, dark blue eyes as her hand slipped back onto my knee.
I clenched it tightly, allowing all my emotions to pour into that one action, while my face kept a small grin for the comfort of the people around me.
But deep down, I was scared. I was scared, angry, guilt-ridden, and sad. And I had no idea what to do about it.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN – CAMILLO
Rose was overworked. That much, I could tell. Her mind was so exhausted, and her body was so downtrodden from her life that she was having a hard time keeping herself together. But when I saw her massaging her wrist, I had to suppress the burn rising in my gut.
“When’s your next day off?” Cassie asked Rose.
“Tomorrow, actually. It’ll be nice. My mind’s just so…”
“Tired?” I asked.
Rose’s gaze whipped over to me, giving me a chance to study her further. The slight way her shoulders slumped. The way her breathing was labored. The way the bags underneath her eyes hung just a little bit lower.
She needed help. My beautiful songbird needed a break.
“Why don’t I come over tomorrow and help out with Ana?” I asked.
“Oh, she’s got daycare tomorrow,” she said. “And Kevin’ll be in school.”
“Would it be possible for her to skip a day of daycare?” I asked.
I saw Rose thinking about it while Cassie eyed me cautiously.
“If he came over,” Cassie began. “It would give the two of you some time to talk, as well.”
I could see the confusion behind Rose’s eyes at Cassie’s words.