She scooted closer to me on the bed and rested her hand on mine.
I yanked it away, not wanting any affection from anyone—not even London.
“I know London left and it’s been hard for you—”
“I don’t care that she left.” It was the most pathetic lie I ever told. Ariel certainly didn’t believe me, not when I didn’t even find myself convincing. “I hate her. I fucking hate her.”
“I know…but you can’t let it destroy you like this.”
“It’s not about her,” I said quickly. “You wouldn’t understand.” No one would understand.
“I know you pretty well, so I might understand.”
I was pretty sure I was still drunk even though I was awake. I was still a little dizzy. Even though I’d slept for twenty-four hours, I could fall back asleep if I wanted to. “I didn’t realize how unhappy I was until I was happy. And that’s when I realized I’d never been happy my entire life. Then when I was happy, I was so scared I was gonna lose it. I felt whole, complete. Then London left, and it was hard…really hard. But when she came back…everything was good. I finally had what I’ve always wanted. I finally had the kind of joy I didn’t think I’d ever attain. Then she didn’t want me anymore. Now I know I’ll never be happy again.” I couldn’t believe I was telling her any of this. I sounded like such a pussy. “I’m not meant to be happy. I’m meant to be cold, cruel, and empty. But I wish I’d never been happy to begin with. I wish I’d never known such a feeling. Because living without it…is cruel.”
It was the first time Ariel looked genuinely sad. She lowered her head as she processed what I said. “You could always be happy with someone else, Crewe. Someone better.”
“I’ll never be happy with someone else. She was everything I wanted. We were perfect together. She understood me. But it didn’t matter how good I was to her. It didn’t matter what I sacrificed for her. It wasn’t good enough. That hurts most of all…”
She kept her head bowed.
“I know I shouldn’t have lost control like I did…but what the fuck does it matter? If I die, everything goes to you. Honestly, death doesn’t sound so bad. Experiencing nothing but darkness…sounds peaceful. All I’m doing with my life is making money. And fuck, money doesn’t mean anything if you don’t have anyone to share it with, anyone to trust. Fucking sucks.” I regretted everything I said as soon as I said it. I shouldn’t have spoken my mind, opened my heart. I sounded pathetic, even to my own ears. “Forget everything I said. I’ll get back on my feet…just give me some time.”
She leaned back in the chair and crossed her arms over her chest. She didn’t feed me empty words to make me feel better. She didn’t give me a stupid pep talk to get me on my feet. She just accepted me for who I was.
That was something I loved about her. I could be myself without consequence. She was all I had of a family, and I was grateful she was there. “You’ve always been there for me…I’m sorry I ever gave London a chance. I should have listened to you. You’re my family…she never was.”
She tucked her hair behind her ear and avoided eye contact with me.
I was probably making her uncomfortable by wearing my heart on my sleeve. I’d never done anything like that before because it was inappropriate and unprofessional, but the booze had clouded my judgment. I couldn’t erase my stupid mistake, but I could at least prevent it from getting worse by not talking. So I didn’t say anything else.
Ariel was quiet for an hour, just sitting at my bedside with me. She didn’t pull out her laptop and get to work. She just sat with me.
“You don’t have to wait with me,” I whispered. “I’m sure you have stuff to do. In a few hours, I’ll be good to go.”
“I’m staying, Crewe. The doctor warned me you might vomit and choke in your sleep.”
“Well, I’m awake now.”
“You could fall asleep again.”
I still didn’t want her to waste her time with me. “Send Dunbar in instead. I know you have more important things to do.”
Finally, she didn’t argue with me and stood up. “Is there anything I can get you?”
My head was still spinning, but I was aware of how empty my stomach was. “Food would be nice.”
“You got it.” She walked to the door to let herself out.
“Ariel?”
She turned around. “Hmm?”
“I’m sorry if I said anything rude before…I know I have a problem with that.” I did it to London one too many times.
She gave me a pained smile. “Don’t worry about it.”
I didn’t stop drinking, but I didn’t push myself that far again. Anytime I thought I was getting too close to my threshold, I cut myself off.