Dirty Secrets (Get Dirty 4)

Reaching down, I gather her into my arms, holding her like a child in my lap as she shudders, her face hidden in her hands as I inhale the clean heat of her heavenly scent. When she can breathe again, I tilt her chin to look me in the eye.

“Allison, what are you talking about? You are already exactly who I want you to be. I’m not trying to change you.” I rub her back, trying to comfort her, but she’s still looking at me uncertainly. “I love you, Allison Bancroft, just as you are.”

She shakes her head, taking a deep breath before answering. “But you are trying to change me. I’m not some kept woman, Dominick. I don’t need guards and trackers and cameras. And secrets.”

The last word is hissed like a cobra’s venom on her tongue. It strikes home, lashing me like a whip, and I fall back, the chair the only thing holding me up.

“Allie, for two weeks, I’ve thought of nothing but that word. My life, it needs secrets. My empire is built on them, a foundation of knowing everything about everything. When I’m with you, I feel different, but the truth is I am not a good man, Allie. But you make me want to be. You make me wish that I were some regular Joe with a nine-to-five job, a minivan, khakis, and a golden retriever or something that could offer you an easy life. But I can’t give you that. All I can give you is me. And I am a cold, cruel, manipulative bastard who is in charge of a corrupt city.”

She looks at me, but I’m rolling. I can’t let her interrupt me. I don’t have the strength to do this again.

“My life, every moment is filled with risks. I am not trying to make you a ‘kept woman’. I am trying to make you my woman, which means keeping you safe. I know my world isn’t yours, and I wanted to introduce it to you slowly so that exactly this didn’t happen. All the security isn’t because of you. It’s because of me, and it tears at my black, black heart that I’m responsible for doing this to you. But I need them so that nothing happens to you. Because I couldn’t bear that.”

She watches me as I shudder, completely unfazed by my anguish and not scared of the monster that I am. “But what if it was the opposite? What if I tried to get you to leave your world, get that 9-to-5 and be a regular guy like you said? You couldn’t do it. You’re not willing to change for me, but you want me to change for you.”

I look at her incredulously. “You really think that?”

I stand up, holding her in my arms, but turn to set her back in the chair so I can pace. I don’t like it, the way she’s studying me, but I need the movement to organize the chaos of thoughts in my head.

I don’t like chaos. I am orderly and methodical, but in this moment, I am the tempest incarnate, swirling and uncontrolled. My steps echo in the quiet room, my eyes bouncing from her to the floor and back to her.

“I am a monster, Allie. Can you not see that? Ask anyone and they’ll tell you the worst mistake of your life was to look at me the first time we met and see something other than the truth. I don’t smile, I don’t feel. I just rule like the calculating manipulator I am, whether I want the responsibility or not. Except with you. With you, I’m not a monster. I’m just a man, so quickly buoyed or crumbled by your every word. Weak, vulnerable . . . afraid. And in love. With you.”

I chance looking at her and hate the way she’s staring at me. Like she doesn’t know me at all. Walking closer, I get down on my knees, bowing my head to the floor in total and complete subjugation to her.

“I am sorry I didn’t tell you everything about the surveillance. Truly sorry. Please, that’s everything. I swear it is. But you have to know that if you want me the way I want you, you will have to endure those things, and you’ll have to trust me.”

I hear her whisper softly in the silence, piercing my heart with every word. “Rule three. Trust.”

Before I can ask her whether that means she does or doesn’t trust me, the door bursts open and Logan appears. Quickly, I leap to my feet, but he looks on unfazed, all-business.

“Sorry, sir. Emergency. We need to go. Now.”

I’m instantly back in The Boss mode, though I step in front of Allie, putting myself between her and Logan so that she can pull herself together.