Dirty Secrets (Get Dirty 4)

I’m not sure he even meant to say that aloud, but his words make me realize just how much he’s hurting. I don’t know the mental steps he went through that led him to all of this, but somehow, his heartbreak over Janine ended with his actions tonight. I suspect it was a combination of his desire to focus on the mission, have an impact, maybe even a bit of a confidence boost after she destroyed him.

I grab him, hugging him tightly, trying a therapy trick I learned to quiet my own demons. “Tell those voices in your head to shut up. That’s my brother they’re talking about, and I love him. I love you, Teej.”

He wraps his arms around me too, then lays his head on top of mine, squeezing me back. “How did everything get so fucked, Allie-gator?”

I don’t answer for awhile, wishing I could freeze time and figure everything out and then hit Play again. But I can’t. I pull back.

“TJ, listen to me. You are a great brother, the best I could ever wish for. Nothing will ever, ever make me stop loving you. And I am so sorry about Janine, but you’re going to move on.”

“How?” he asks, and I sigh in relief because at least this one’s easy.

“One day at a time. They taught me that, and even though it’s cliché, it’s true. But tonight, we live with it. Not forget, but forgive ourselves and live with it. You’re going to report for duty and enjoy the new assignment or put in for another one. Eventually, you’ll date again. But no matter what, you’re going to be okay. Tonight, what might’ve happened will be lesson, a reminder to find what you need inside you, not in some mission.”

His smile is grim. “You sound like a therapist.”

My lips tilt up a little, and I shrug. “Well, I’ve spent enough time with them. Speaking of which, if you need one, get one. And if you don’t wanna talk to them, I’ll be here.”

He steps back, his eyes still full of worry. “But I can’t leave you here, not with him. Don’t ask me to do that, or I’m going to throw you over my shoulder and run you out of here. It’s hard enough knowing that I couldn’t protect my sister the last time she needed me, and that was saving you from yourself. I can’t leave you with him now.” He shakes his head, remembering what Dom said. “And what’s this about a shooting?”

I shrug. I never gave TJ or my parents the details, not wanting to scare them. “Bad shit by bad men. But Dom protected me then. And in a weird way, he still is.”

TJ growls, still upset. “He’s a bad guy, Allie. You deserve better.”

I frown, putting my hands on TJ’s chest. “I don’t know what the future holds with Dominick, but I’m going to figure it out. He loves me, in his twisted way. But it’s a good twisty, like curly fries. He’ll never hurt me, I know that. More importantly, I love him, and I owe it to myself to give that a chance.”

“Do you hear the disclaimers you’re spewing?” TJ asks, still upset. “He loves me in a ‘twisted way’. It shouldn’t be like that.”

I sigh, knowing he doesn’t get it, and truthfully, may never get it. “Maybe. But it is what it is. We spend all our lives growing up with this image of what life is supposed to be. We draw it in our minds from tv shows, books, our parents, just the whole world around us. But the reality isn’t always like that. We don’t get to order it up like a burger made our way. So what about just saying fuck it and taking life as it comes to us?”

“Sounds like a recipe for madness,” TJ grumbles. “I don’t understand, Allie.”

“You don’t have to understand it to support me. Just like I supported your enlisting, even though it was the last thing I wanted for you and I didn’t understand it at the time. But Dom makes me happy, and I know you want that. And if a day comes that I’m done, that I can’t or won’t accept Dom and his life, I’ll need my brother to swoop in to help me pick up the pieces of my heart. But right now, even with all the shit from tonight, the only thing I want is for him to hold me.”

His shock is obvious. And if you’d told me that this is how tonight was going to go, I never would’ve believed it. I started out painfully separated from Dom due to his betrayal, and the violence of tonight was vicious, both things that should have me making my escape. Knowing Dom is The Boss and seeing him in action are two very different things.