I slammed my mouth closed, a fence going down in front of the words that wanted to keep rolling out.
Ollie looked like I’d punched him. “What does Sydney have to do with any of this?”
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I’d slipped.
Just like I’d been saying all along, ever since Rynna had come into my life, things had spun out of control. In the best of ways. In the worst of ways. I had just ripped open the locks to a past I didn’t want to unleash. A goddamned train wreck, no consideration to who was going to get in the mix of it.
Last thing I wanted was to hurt Ollie more than I already had. He didn’t need this. Fuck, he didn’t need any of this. Never had deserved it.
“What did you say?” Ollie’s voice was muted and strained.
I hopped up, hands gripping my hair, trying to reel it all in. Tossed out a few more lies. Not like they made any difference anyway. “Nothing . . . just should have stopped her that night.”
I drained my beer and slammed it down on the bar. “Gonna get out of here.”
Throwing a handful of twenties down, I spun on my heels and wound back through the crowds, shouldering through the bodies packed tight, their laughter and joy grating in my ear. A fucking grinding pad against my consciousness.
Swore I was close to a panic attack by the time I stumbled out into the night. I sucked down the cool breeze, lifting my head to the sky, wishing on any goddamned star that might appear.
I cringed when the door swung open behind me.
Didn’t need to turn around to know it was Kale.
“Just go back inside,” I told him.
“You really think I’m going to turn my back on you? Now? When you need me most? You might have done a bang-up job of convincing yourself all these years that you didn’t need anybody, but I think it’s plenty clear by now you’re wrong.”
He took a step toward me. “Tell me what you want, Rex. Tell me. Who?”
Frankie and Rynna. Frankie and Rynna. Their names spun on a circuit. Nonstop.
I shook my head. “This is all so fucked up, Kale.”
Slowly, I turned. “So fucked up, and I don’t have a fucking clue what to do.”
“Yes, you do. You know exactly what to do.”
Air puffed through my nose, and I looked away, raking a hand through my hair. “And what’s that?”
“You probably should start by forgiving yourself for Sydney. By finally letting go of what you’ve been carrying. Tell Ollie. He deserves to know.”
Fear clamored through my nerves. “Sydney doesn’t have anything to do with this.” Could barely force out the defense.
Kale took a step forward, angling his head. “Really? You’re really going to stand there and act like it doesn’t have everything to do with every damned decision you’ve made since it happened? Are you really going to act like it didn’t have everything to do with Janel in the first place?”
I blanched, attention swinging back to him, anger filling the words. “What? I’m not seeing how the two relate.”
“You settled, man. You settled because you thought you didn’t deserve to be happy. Because you thought you shouldn’t ever get to love again. And then Frankie, that sweet baby girl, came into your life, and you didn’t know how not to love anymore. So you gave in, opened your heart, loved. You loved, man, and then Janel destroyed it all over again. And now she’s back and you’re settling again.”
He edged forward, voice dropping low. “You really think Rynna’s not worth the fight?”
Anguish fisted my heart. “Of course, she’s worth the fight.”
“Then fight for her, Rex. Fight for her and fight for Frankie, and for goddamned once, fight for yourself.”
Every muscle in my body recoiled. “What if I don’t deserve it, man?” I swam against all the emotions that came rushing in. “I fuck everything up. Every single time. Lose the people I love. I thought this time . . . I thought this time with Rynna I’d finally outrun it. That I’d gotten a second chance. And the next thing I know, she’s gone, too. She doesn’t want me, man. She doesn’t want me, and I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t know how to stop it.”
The last left me on a wheeze, and I pressed the heels of my hands into my eyes.
Fuck.
I didn’t know how to stop it.
I drove back home in a blaze of pain. I’d sat in my truck for two fucking hours, letting the booze run their course, before I forced myself to move. I pulled into my drive, trying not to look behind me to Rynna’s place. Maybe if I blocked it all, I wouldn’t feel it anymore.
Frankie and Rynna.
Maybe if I managed to go numb, it’d erase all the pain. Maybe then I could float right through the days.