I couldn’t reconcile the two.
I lost my jacket and brief case in my car and was driving back through town, unable to go back to my hollow condo.
Knowing her scent would still be there. Knowing my ears would still be howling with her pleas.
I needed an outlet.
A reprieve.
I hopped out of my car and paid the cover at the seedy club.
Like I said, shady called to shady.
And it wasn’t like I was in the mood to hit Monty’s. Mack would show, and there was no way I could explain away the mood I was in.
Didn’t fucking get it myself.
I entered the dark club.
Nothing but sleazy air and flashing lights.
I moved through the pricks that filled the place, sordid fantasies playing through their minds. I found a secluded spot in the back, in the darkness, and welcomed it, the partner to my heart.
I sank down into the plush, deep chair. Maroon, crushed velvet.
Dancers were on the stage, glued to their poles. Lights strobed and music blared.
My attention was on the stage, eyes roving over the mostly naked bodies, sucking down the feeling that held fast to the atmosphere.
Greed and lust and desperation.
It didn’t make me hard. Didn’t turn me on. It just made me remember that I wasn’t the only one who would do what they had to in order to survive. That there was no shame in doing whatever it took to make sure there was food in your stomach and a roof over your head.
When a cocktail waitress appeared at my side, I ordered a scotch, guzzled it down and asked for another. Told her to keep them coming.
If I was going to drown in my own self-inflicted depravity, I was going to do it right.
I drained glass after glass. Until I couldn’t feel my fucking fingers or my toes or that blackened, mangled ball that was supposed to be my heart.
I didn’t even reject the dancer who came over and asked if I wanted a private dance, let her take my hand and lead me to a back room, let her grind her body all over mine.
I watched her.
Detached.
Numb.
Verging on something else.
Like I was hanging on a sharp edge and getting ready to be cut in two.
Hating every second.
Wanting more.
Punishment.
She leaned in, hands on my shoulders as she ground on my dick, her lips on my ear. “I have somewhere we could go.”
Revulsion spun, loathing rising to the surface. My hands instantly shot out, and I gripped her by the waist. “No.”
The word was harsh.
Hard.
It only made her try harder. Her pussy barely covered as she rubbed herself all over my two-thousand-dollar suit. “Oh, come on, don’t pretend like you aren’t here for one thing. I see it written all over you. I promise to make it worth it.”
“No,” I said again.
“Come on, baby. Let me help you out.” Through my pants, she stroked my limp dick.
Disgust.
Rage.
They spiraled. Twisted and bound.
My body was barely even reacting while my mind tossed me into the pit of my past.
Darkness.
Fear.
Sickness.
She grabbed both my hands and pressed them to her breasts.
Nausea tumbled in my guts and rolled up my throat.
I pushed her off my lap. Harder than I should have, and she stumbled back onto her five-inch heels while I stood, dug into my wallet, and pulled out a wad of cash.
I grabbed her hand and stuffed the bills into it, curling her fingers around the wad. “That should be more than enough to cover the dance.”
She looked at me as if I were crazy.
Sounded about right.
I headed for the draped exit, needing to get the hell out of there before I lost my mind. Unable to understand what was happening to me. Why I felt like I was five seconds from coming unhinged.
I threw aside the heavy fabric, and I flew out, coming to a quick stop when a shadow stepped out in front of me, blocking my path down the narrow hall. “Are you showing disrespect to my girl?”
The asshole was wiry and thin, trying to play it big, jutting out his chin.
Begging me to put my fist in it.
My head cocked, aggression a blister rushing across my skin. “Disrespect your girl?”
“That’s right. You touched her. That means you’re goin’ to pay. One way or another.”
“Just drop it, Cody. He didn’t mean no harm.” I could feel her behind me, cowering, attempting to get her voice to come out strong, but there was no missing the fact it wavered.
He sneered at her from over my shoulder. “Shut your fuckin’ mouth, Cocoa. Unless you’re opening up for dick, it stays closed. No one gives a shit what you have to say.”
He turned back to me. “Here’s how it’s gonna be. You’re either gonna take back out that fat wallet of yours and give me the rest of what’s in there, or you take her with you, do what you will, and still give me everything left between the leather. Your choice. Makes no difference to me.”