More of You (Confessions of the Heart 1)

I needed to remain focused.

Focused when I could feel myself losing sight.

Falling deeper and deeper. Buried in the bliss of being with the two of them, refusing the torment of knowing I could never keep them.

Ian’s laughter was dry. “One reason? You think I can’t see all kinds of reasons playing out in your eyes? Pretty sure most of those reasons include the two of you naked.”

“Watch it, little brother.” There was a chuckle in my threat.

He laughed. “Wasn’t it you who always said no bullshit between us? Not about to start now.”

“Told you already, I’m here for one reason. That’s to be here, protect them, until this bullshit is behind them. I owe them that.”

Ian scoffed. “You don’t owe anyone anything, Jace. No matter how much you try to convince yourself this was your fault, it wasn’t. Joseph did this. Not you.”

“I owe them everything.” Didn’t mean for the bolt of fury to line the words.

A smirk grew on his face. “Nah, man, this isn’t a question of owing. It’s a question of owning. Because that girl owns you. You need to be careful with that. When people like us love someone, we lose, remember? And I’m pretty sure what you experienced the first time around was a shut out.”

Those were the words I’d drilled into Ian’s head over and over as a kid.

“No one gives a shit about us. No one cares about us or loves us. All of that is bullshit. It’s just us—me, you, and Joseph against the world. Don’t ever forget that, Ian. Never. We fight for what we want, for what we need to survive, any way we have to. As soon as we let our guard down, love someone? That’s when people like us lose. Do you understand what I’m telling you?”

“Maybe I was wrong,” I told him.

Ian blinked at me like he didn’t recognize me. “I don’t get it, why you feel obligated. Why you’re willing to sacrifice everything for that girl. But what I do know is you never forgot her. You changed after you lost her, and the only thing I want is for you to get some of that joy back.”

His brow pinched in emphasis. “But if you go after it? After her? Make sure you’re doing it for the right reason. Not because you fucking feel guilty or you’re trying to make amends for what Joseph did. You always taught me to look out for myself and no one else. But that girl right there? She’s the only one who ever made you think changing that belief might be worth it.”

I watched Faith across the space. Her grace filling the air. So pure and goddamn sweet. I swallowed the lump in my throat and chased it with a gulp of scotch. “Not a question of might.”

Ian cracked a grin. “Then I’d say it’s time to go after what you want. It’s what we do. We fight for what we want. You walked away once. Don’t make the mistake of doing it again.”

Shock moved through me. “I thought you didn’t like her?”

Ian gave a somber shake of his head. “I didn’t not like her, Jace. I was terrified of her. Of what she might mean to you. That I might lose you because of it. It made me make my own stupid choices. I’ll regret that for the rest of my life. I’m not any good, Jace. You and I both know it. But the last thing I want to do is stand in the way of your happiness for any longer.”

“You’re wrong, Ian. You are good.”

His head shook and he choked out a laugh, clearly diverting the direction our conversation had gone. He pointed at Faith. “So, what are you waiting for, brother?”

Mack huffed. “That’s a bad fucking idea, Ian, and you know it.” He shifted his attention to me. “Your judgment is clouded. You’re going to fuck everything up. All the progress we’ve made.”

Wasn’t sure I’d call it progress when they had nothing. Knew it wasn’t Mack’s fault, but I was close to going out of my mind.

“You’ve got to nail this fucker, Mack,” I suddenly said, words gravel. I drained my drink. “Or I will.”

“Don’t be stupid, Jace. You’re only here as a lookout. Nothing else. You got me?”

I cut him a glare. The only thing I got was I’d do anything for Faith. Anything for Bailey.

Mack exhaled, a strained push of his lungs. “Fuck, man. You’re getting in too deep. It’s written all over you. It was clear that day when you dragged all our asses out there to work on her house. Not that I minded, but all of us know why you’re doing it. I never should have said a thing.”

If I was too deep, then I’d gladly drown.

“What do you say we drop this for now, yeah?” Ian said, taking a swill and looking around the room. “This is supposed to be a party. Don’t you think Joseph has ruined enough?”