I pressed my palm against my forehead, paced some more.
What had I done? The guilt twisted up like an impossible knot in my belly, and the overwhelming shiver of need racing through my veins made me feel as if I was gonna come right out of my skin.
This feeling that Jace Jacobs was a necessity.
It sure didn’t help that the shower was running in the room next door and images were filling my head.
Jace naked.
Rivulets of water running over that body. His length bobbing up to his belly button. Swollen for me.
Oh, my.
That was definitely not helping things at all.
“Why are you bein’ so nonchalant about this?” I hissed.
As if it weren’t earth shattering.
Life altering.
“Because that first day when he showed back up, and he was standing there watching you on the sidewalk as if he was prepared to jump in front of you and take a bullet for you? It was written all over his pretty face. Even if he didn’t know it himself, he was there to take you back. Honestly, I’m kind of stunned it took him this long.”
I wondered if I had known it then, too. If I had known the second I saw him back in this town that he was there to stir things up. Toss me into turmoil. Or maybe he’d been sent to save me from the pits of despair.
“Tell me what to do.”
I’d given up knowing anything myself.
Courtney chuckled something salacious. “Are you sure you want to be askin’ me what to do? Because I have all kinds of good tips I could give you.”
“Oh, I’m sure you could. And the last thing I need around here is to get any more out of control.”
“Maybe losin’ a little control is exactly what you need.”
“Well, I definitely did that up good.”
I guessed she could hear the admission in my voice, because her tone dropped. “Tell me what you did.”
“I put my mouth on him, too.”
With the way the words dropped low, I might as well have been sharing secrets with her back in her bedroom when we were teenagers, looking at those magazines.
But this wasn’t embarrassment over experiencing something for the first time.
This was rooted deep.
The overwhelming tumult that I was heading down a path that I couldn’t return from.
Taking a sharp turn that would lead to a head-on collision.
Pure destruction.
“You little slut,” she teased. Of course, she did. She couldn’t be serious for five seconds.
“Courtney,” I hissed.
“What? I just like to be in good company.”
“Why in the world am I tellin’ you any of this?”
“Um . . . hello. This is your best friend you’re talking to. The keeper of all your secrets. It’s your duty.”
I sucked in a breath, my voice going emphatic as I pressed my phone a little harder to my ear. “I’m serious, Court. Help me. I feel like my life is slipping right out of control. That I’m losing my grip.”
While another part felt as if it was coming together.
Mending to where it belonged.
My gaze moved to my bed and the wedding picture sitting on my nightstand.
Joseph.
He’d said in that letter to look at our wedding picture. He’d said that moment was the most honest of his life.
Grief swelled as I thought of the man who’d shared that place with me for so many years. How could I forsake that?
Her tone shifted. “You want to know what to do, Faith? You do what feels right. You do whatever it is you can’t stop thinking about, what you can’t stop wantin’, and you do your best not to allow the fear and the guilt and the loss to rule you while you do it. Because you know better than anyone that none of us know what direction our lives are gonna go. When the world is gonna rip the rug out from under us. Who’s gonna hurt us and who’s gonna love us.”
She paused for a second before encouragement flooded the line. “We can only do our best . . . treat the people around us with as much love as we want in return. Then we sit back, enjoy the ride, and pray for the best. And don’t worry . . . he hurts you, I’ve got my huntin’ knife.”
A burst of laughter left me at the last.
“Should I be concerned you might be secretly hoping he is up to no good just so you can deliver on that offer?”
Her chuckle was dark. “Nah, there are plenty of assholes out there to keep me entertained.”
This was why I’d called Courtney. She always made me feel better.
I blew out a sigh, hesitated, before I admitted, “Part of it makes me feel like I’m cheatin’ on Joseph.”
The part of me that still loved him, the one that stood at the altar and promised I’d love him forever—that girl felt as if loving Jace was nothing but a sin.