Hurt and confusion and pity rocked through me in a bolt of feeling I wasn’t expecting.
What a waste.
Mack pulled open a drawer, blowing out a breath as he pulled out whatever was inside. Slowly, he slid the stack over to me.
They were the letters that had been in the safe, the ones Felix had scattered before I had the chance to figure out what they were.
“These are for you, Faith. I think you should go home and read them through. In private. It’s important.”
Tears streaked down my face.
Hot.
Hurt.
My insides such a mess I didn’t know up from down.
The loss of Jace had become this festering mess inside me.
Each day, it only grew, amplified, became more painful.
I wasn’t sure I could take any more piled on top of that.
The truth was, I was angry.
Angry at Joseph for doing all of this.
Angry at myself for falling for it, for ever saying yes to Joseph in the first place.
“I don’t want those,” I told Mack, squeezing my eyes closed and turning my head away.
He pushed them farther my direction. “Yes, Faith, I promise, you do.”
Fifteen minutes later, I pulled up in front of Courtney’s little house, that stack of letters bound by a rubber band, screaming from the seat as if they had their own voice.
As if they possessed their own energy.
I still hadn’t gathered the courage to turn them over to see what they were because my gut told me they were going to destroy me a little bit more.
And I was desperately sure I couldn’t take any more breakin’.
That the only thing left holding me together was Button.
Button.
She came running out the screen door, taking the one step down and beelining down the red-bricked walk.
Holding that Beast.
My insides clutched in a tortuous curl.
God, I didn’t know how to stand. But I did. I unlatched the door and slid from the car in time to catch her as she jumped into my arms.
Just holding her was a balm moving through me.
She’d been acting as if nothing had happened. As if we hadn’t been held hostage by a madman. As if she hadn’t seen Jace get shot.
Instead, she’d been living in her little fantasy world where she rode on unicorns and the world was always right.
I knew someday, those fears were bound to come out.
“Hi, Mommy.”
I kissed the top of her head. “Hey, Bailey Button. How’s my favorite girl?”
“I good.”
She nuzzled her face in my throat, and I wondered if that trauma was right there, lurking under the surface.
The only thing I wanted was to be strong enough to make it right.
To provide her with the kind of life I’d always wanted.
We’d been granted a second chance.
Freedom.
Life when we’d been so close to losing it.
I was trying so hard to cling to that and not the loss that banged around inside me.
That vacancy so vast.
Jace’s presence missing.
Courtney had followed Bailey out, and she wandered down the walkway, her arms crossed over her chest as if she were trying to protect herself. Nursing her own broken heart.
“Hey,” she said.
I rocked Bailey a little, looking over at my best friend and just wishin’ all of this could be wiped away.
Magic.
“Thank you so much for watchin’ her.”
Nodding, she swallowed thickly. “It’s the least I could do.”
My head shook. “Please, don’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“Feel as if any of this is in any way your fault. You didn’t know.”
A tear slipped out of the corner of her eye, and I knew her well enough to know she was going for sarcasm, trying to make things light the way she always did, but the words cracked. “If I didn’t have such terrible taste in men, none of this would have happened.”
“You didn’t know,” I told her again.
Her mouth trembled. “I should have.”
“I didn’t know, either. I guess sometimes we miss the most important things.”
Neither of us knew what Joseph and Felix had been involved in.
The truth was, we’d been blinded. Trusted too easily. Saw the best in people, when really, there was little of it to be found.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
I winced, hugged Bailey closer. “No, I’m not. But one day I’m goin’ to be. You will be, too.”
“I know.”
I gave her a smile. “I love you, Courtney. You know that, right?”
“And you know I love you.”
My nod was somber and true. “I know.”
If I didn’t stop this train, I was going to break down right there, so I cleared my throat and shifted my daughter. “I’m going to get home, get her some lunch, and then put her down for a nap.”
“Okay, I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“All right. If you get lonely, you know where to find us.”
Her smile was weak. “Oh, I’m sure I’ll find some trouble I can get into.”
Only Courtney could make me grin. “I’m sure you will.”
I buckled Bailey in, drove us home to that massive house, wondering what I was goin’ to do now.