“Even Jake can’t figure you out, man,” Matt says. “When you didn’t show up today, he was like, ‘You better go check on your boy because he’s all the way fucked up.’”
“Well, I am, all right?” I say, getting to my feet. “I am fucked up. It’s not like you didn’t know that.”
“I didn’t. I never once in my life thought you were this stupid.”
“I can’t do it, Matt. I can’t . . .” I shake my head. There are too many thoughts and pieces of conversations and emotions swirling in my brain to make sense of any of it. “I’m trying to be who I am, but I can’t be who she wants me to be.”
“She wants you to be you.”
“I am being me.”
He stills, squaring his shoulders to mine. I’ve never actually fought Matt, but if I did, I think it would be a hell of a fight. He’s farmer-boy strong and has that gene where he’s a teddy bear until he’s a grizzly. I’m not sure what he’d be today. I don’t want to risk it, because I feel pretty damn weak.
“You’re going to fail at the best thing that you’ve ever tried, and it’s because you quit.” Matt’s tone is low, his eyes boring into mine. “How pussified is that, Penn?”
“I didn’t quit,” I say as calmly as I can. “She quit me.”
My voice breaks on the last word, and I hiccup it back. I don’t cry, and I won’t cry now. Not in front of Matt. Not unless I’m in the shower and can pretend it’s the hot water or that I got soap in my eye.
“She quit you because you won’t really try. Why would she keep fucking with you? Why would she waste her time falling in love with you when you have the biggest damn wall right in front of you that you keep building higher and higher to keep her out? She’s not an idiot. You are.”
“She wasn’t falling in love with me.”
He grins. “She probably was.”
I wipe my face with the back of my hand, my jaw dropping so I can breathe. My heart beats so fast I think I might pass out.
She was falling in love with me? Why would she do that? Girls like her fall in love with guys like Matt. Or Jake. Or Dane.
Not me.
“You’re going to have to wake up and see what’s happening here,” Matt says. He’s lost the sharpness to his tone, and I’m thankful for that. “You’re a good guy. You’re just afraid you’re gonna ruin everything because your parents drilled that into you. And while we’re broaching that topic, let’s point out that their problems had nothing to do with you either.”
There must be smoke in the air after all, because the corners of my eyes fill with fluid.
“I know you think that loving someone makes you vulnerable. And you’re right, it does. And I’ll tell you another secret—you will fuck up with Avery or whoever you fall in love with someday because you fuck up everything. We all do.”
I want to tell him the only person I’d ever fall in love with is Avery. That I’m not capable of being in love, but if I were, there’s not a chance it would be anyone else. She was tailor-made for me. I just can’t do it.
“You’ll forget your anniversary and maybe her birthday, and there will be nights you show up to Mucker’s and forget what she wants to order. It happens. Being in a relationship with someone doesn’t mean you promise to get it all right, Penn. It means you decided she’s worth you trying to get it right more times than not. It’s . . .” He searches for the words. “It’s a safety net, an agreement that you do your best and hope it works out.”
“But my best is shit.” I turn around and dry my eyes with the edge of my shirt. “My mom didn’t love me more than she loved my dad, who was, maybe, the worst person I’ve ever known. And my dad only loved me until I didn’t do what he wanted me to do, and look where that ended up.”
“Even with you doing the right thing.” He grins softly. “Don’t you see? You still loved your mom, even though you had every right to walk away from her for not protecting you from your dad. And you did the right thing with him too. You made the hardest choices a boy can make, choices most men fail at.” His smile grows wider. “You were the first one at the hospital when I broke my spleen—because I fell off a kiddie ladder, I know. You don’t have to say it.”
I can’t help but grin.
“And you gave up your vacation for Dane’s family. Who does that?”