I subsided and covered my face with my hands. This couldn’t be happening. I needed time to think.
‘I need my wardrobe,’ I whispered almost to myself. I was thinking of that wonderful space that I used to steal into when I needed to be alone, but Ivan’s lip curled with distaste.
‘You’re rich enough to buy yourself a whole new wardrobe.’
‘I didn’t mean the contents. I meant … never mind,’ I said wearily.
‘Look, I’ve got to go out. Please don’t leave the apartment. The doctor said you could get flashbacks. I’ll get Theresa to call you and you can ask her to bring what you want. Food,
clothes, toiletries, magazines.’ He spread his fingers out. ‘Whatever you need.’
He pointed towards a closed door to the left of the kitchen. ‘That’s the spare room. A new mattress will be delivered later this afternoon. You can set up in there until I figure out the
next course of action.’
I glanced in the direction he had pointed. ‘Um … I know I don’t seem like it, but I am very grateful for what you did yesterday.’
‘No problem. I’ll be back for lunch. We can go out if you want.’
‘You don’t have to take me out. I’ll be OK.’
‘As you wish,’ he said indifferently, and walked away from me. I heard him go into his room and shut the door.
The eggs were cold so was the coffee. I sat on the stool and sighed deeply. What an ugly, ugly mess. Robert had been right to be worried. His children were far, by far, more venomous
than I had given them credit for.
I fell asleep on the sofa an hour after Ivan left for work. I guess I must have been more devastated than I thought. When I woke up I felt horrible, depressed and kind of numb. Dead
inside. And so lonely. Horribly lonely. I knew some of it would be the comedown effect of the drugs, but another part was the way life was turning out. The truth of my situation hit me.
Without Robert I had no one.
No family. No friends. Not a single person in the world actually cared for me. Even Ivan made it blatantly clear that I was a nuisance to him and that he couldn’t wait to be rid of me. I
was all alone in this world and now I didn’t even have a home I could go to.
Oh yeah. I seemed to have acquired a bunch of enemies too.
My head hurt.
I walked around Ivan’s beautiful apartment listlessly. Then at 2.00 p.m. Mrs. MacDonald came around.
‘Please, call me Theresa,’ she invited.
‘Then you must call me Tawny.’
‘Come and have a look at what I’ve got for you,’
She had brought some groceries, toiletries, and some clothes. A pair of jeans, a couple of T-shirts, a pair of sweats, and a shimmering cocktail dress. They were all in super bright
colors that I would never have chosen for myself. It was as if she thought I was still a teenager.
‘Look, I even brought you some make up,’ she said cheerfully.
‘Thank you,’ I said politely. ‘But I definitely won’t be needing that.’ I held up the cocktail dress.
‘Oh, I believe you will need that. His Lordship is taking you to dinner tonight,’ she informed me with an approving smile.
Well, that was a strange way to find out someone was taking you to dinner. ‘No, I don’t feel up to it yet. Would you be kind enough to convey my apologies to him.’
‘Should I call a doctor?’ she asked, a frown creasing her forehead.
I shook my head firmly. ‘No. I just feel a bit down. I’d be terrible company.’
‘If you’re sure. Do you want me to get you anything else?’
‘Thank you, but no, I’m fine.’
‘All right. I have to be somewhere else, but your new mattress will be coming in the next hour.’
Once the mattress had been set up, I found sheets in one of the cupboards and made up the bed. Then I flopped into it and fell into a deep, black sleep.
I never even heard Ivan come in.
Lord Greystoke
I stood outside her door, one hand on the knob. I wanted to go in. I really did. No one would ever know if I did. I’d simply look at her and then I’d walk out. No one would be harmed.
Nothing would change. I felt a twinge in my body. Fuck the twinge. What about the upheaval and the loss of control and power going on inside me? The urge was so strong my hand gripped
the knob until it felt as if it would break.
I snatched my hand away.
I took a step away from the door.
Jesus, this was so screwed up. What the fuck was I doing? There was a world of possibilities and choices out there. Beautiful, willing, anonymous women who didn’t make me feel as if I
was worthless without them. Women who didn’t gnaw in my blood like fucking viruses when I stayed away from them. Women who did what I wanted.