Getting Her Back

All these rational things flow through my mind, but deep in my gut I know that that’s not the answer.

I need something to do, so I start to clear the table. I put away the food, I make sure that there are leftovers packaged for lunch. I put all the dirty dishes into the dishwasher. I changed out of my dress and my heels and my pearls and put on more comfortable clothes. And when all that is done, and more than an hour has passed, I realize with a sinking sensation that he’s not coming back.

Quickly, I think of where he might have gone. Where does Christian go when he needs to be by himself? Where does he go when he needs to think?

I grab my bag and head out the door. It’s still early enough in the summer that it’s light out even though it’s getting late. I walk to the park, because I know he likes to go there. But I can find him. I walk our entire neighborhood, until I think he may have gone somewhere else entirely. The sun is finally setting and I’m about to head home when I remember one last place.

Christian isn’t a huge drinker, but there are times when he and his friends go to a local bar to hang out. I hadn’t thought he would go there after something like this, but at this point, I’m willing to check anywhere.

Walking up to the bouncer outside the door, he looks at me with recognition. Which is strange, because I’m not here nearly enough to be recognized. He waves me through the door. “He’s inside.”

“How do you know who I’m looking for?”

“Given the fact that he’s been ranting about you and showing off your picture,” he says, “I figured you’d show up sooner or later.”

Pure terror runs down my spine, and I push past him into the bar. Christian is very much here, and I can see from the doorway just how drunk he is. So drunk that I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this way. Everyone in the bar is looking at him out of the corner of their eyes, trying to make it look like they’re not staring even though they are. Christian is speaking loudly enough for everybody in the city to hear. “… And then I sit down, and she tells me about how she wants all the babies. Just so many babies. And I just can’t deal with that right now, you know? Like this is the worst possible time for this to happen. Why did it have to be today? It’s not that I never want kids or to get married or whatever, I’m just not ready. At all. After everything, it’s not the time.”

That’s all I need to hear. I turn and exit the bar, not stopping at the bouncer’s suggestion that I should take him with me. We aren’t on the same page at all. He wishes I’d never brought it up. Everything I wanted is crumbling apart in front of my eyes.

I feel numb, the way you feel when you see something bad happen on the news. It’s so bad, that you can’t figure out how to handle it. The numbness holds until I get back to the apartment. I walk through the door and just stand there. Only a few hours ago I was so excited about the rest of my life. Now I don’t know what to do.

Except that I do. I can’t stay here. Suddenly, I have a burst of energy and conviction. I will be gone before he gets back. I’m going to move quickly.

I send a text to Ellen explaining what happened, and within ten minutes she’s arrived and helping me pack. I don’t know that I’ve ever done anything so quickly in my life.

It takes less than two hours to remove my entire life from the apartment. We shove all of my things into our cars, and Ellen graciously agrees to follow me out to my parents’ house on Long Island. It’s not until I pull onto the highway that I begin to cry.

5

I’m sitting at my desk when the text comes just after 5 o’clock. There’s a little flip in my stomach when I see the notification. What will he say? Are we still going to do this? I open the app to see.

Hi, I’m sorry that it’s been a few days. I got a cold, and I didn’t want to give it to you. If you’re still interested in meeting up, would tonight or tomorrow work for you?

Oh my God. This is real. I’m going to do this. A thrill of excitement and terror runs through me. And even as nervous as I am, I want to do this as soon as possible.

Tonight is great.