My pulse beats in my ears. My heart pounds against my ribcage. I finally get to my feet and start the pacing again because I have to rid myself of some of this stupid, worthless energy.
“What if I know I’m not what she wants,” I say, choosing my words carefully.
“Have you asked her that? Girls get upset when guys assume they know what we want. Except chocolate. It’s a freebie.”
“I’m being serious here.”
“Me too,” she sighs. “Fine. Why do you think you aren’t what she wants?”
I pace. “Okay, I probably am what she wants. I didn’t mean it like that.”
“Oh, my God.”
“But what if I can’t give her what she wants? If I pursue her knowing that, does that make me a dick?”
“You are a dick,” she points out. “But in this case specifically, I guess it matters why you think you can’t give her whatever this is.”
“What if …” My breath is shaky as I try to pull my thoughts together and not sound like a pussy. “What if I know what kind of girl she is and what she’s going to want and I can’t give that to her?”
“Lance, listen to me. A relationship is like a contract, okay? Contracts are amended all the time. Let’s say you two start something today. You start it based on the current situation. However, a year from now, things might change. They do change. It’s life. You just amend your contract.”
My nostrils flare as I exhale. “But isn’t it a waste of everyone’s time if I know there’s a needed amendment that I won’t sign?”
“Do you have a crystal ball?”
“Yeah, I do,” I groan. “I know where this would lead. I purposefully stay away from women I think I might actually like outside of bed because I don’t want to do this again.”
“She was an asshole, Lance.”
“Nah, she wasn’t. Her conditions were understandable.” I start to think of Britt, the only girl I’ve ever dated, but shove it out of my mind. “I bend over backwards not to go there and yet here I am. Feeling guilt and I haven’t even fucked either one of them.”
Papers rustle again. I wonder if she’s listening to me and working at the same time. Wouldn’t surprise me, but it’s annoying too. I’m dying here and she’s letting me.
“Are you listening to me?” I ask.
“Yes. I’m listening to you. You’re basically talking to yourself.”
“I’m just trying to explain myself. Am I not being a better man by not holding her up so that someone else can give her a fabulous life with all the trimmings. But not Jonah. Fuck Jonah.”
“Who’s Jonah?”
“Never mind,” I sigh. “I think I’ve answered my own question.”
Looking at my reflection, I realize how much I look like my father. Same hair, same eyebrows, same slightly crooked nose. I never wanted to be him, like Walker did. But I always admired how he ran his shit.
He was at every baseball game, mud-bog, cross-country race we entered. He’d stay up all night and help us with geometry, teaching it to himself as he taught us. More than that, he loved our mother. You could see it when you looked at him. My friends’ parents got divorced or separated and I never once worried about that. My parents would be together until the day they died; and they were.
That part of my father, the man, that’s who I always aspired to be. Someone to teach my kids right from wrong, to make a difference somehow by putting out these little humans into the world who were an asset to society. To someday be in Goodman’s and hearing someone brag about one of my kids or grandkids without knowing I was in there. I wanted to be that guy. And that’s the guy I’ll probably never be.
“I think you take a chance, Lance. If she likes you, she deserves the opportunity to decide whether or not you’re good enough for her.”
I’m not.
“Blaire, I gotta go.”
“You okay? Honestly. Don’t blow smoke up my ass because I’ll call Machlan.”
“I’m fine. I promise. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“Do that. Love you.”
“You too, Sis. Bye.”
Ending the call, I hold the phone in my hand. Opening the app is more because of loneliness than sex this time.
Nerdy Nurse: Fun Fact—the term boy has been used since 1154 AD to describe a male. It’s believed that the word is derived from boia, which means servant.
Me: And here I thought it came from boa constrictor. Like our cocks.
Nerdy Nurse: What are you doing tonight?
Me: Just got home.
Nerdy Nurse: Hot date?
A grin tilts my lips as I think of Mariah and our non-date date. Whether it was or wasn’t, she was hot. So that’s a yes.
Me: Maybe the hottest ever, actually.
Nerdy Nurse: I guess I have something to live up to, huh?
My fingers race across the keys. I don’t even realize what I’ve typed out until I hit send and the words are printed on my screen.