An Innocent Thanksgiving

Maggie did know. She had grown up listening to me explain my failed marriage to her father, listened to me talk about not really being into relationships, being a free spirit. I’d traveled the world for years, and I’d told her that, God knew she had to be aware that I wasn’t really someone who put down roots.

Or at least I didn’t used to be. But I was starting to feel like I did have roots—and they were Maggie and Fern.

“I just feel like I’ve already lost so much time,” I explained. “Too much time. I missed so many stages of Fern’s life already. Her first words, her first steps. When she was so small I could fit her head in my hand, hold her in the crook of my arm.”

Maggie’s eyes were soft, and she had a small, wistful smile on her face, like she was thinking about all that I had missed out on, too. Like she could see it in her mind’s eye, so vividly, the way that I could—in a way that made it almost seem real.

“I don’t want to lose out on anything more with her,” I finished.

Maggie’s smile shifted into something a little more present, less melancholy. “I’ve already decided that you can be in Fern’s life. She really likes you, and you really like her, and I—I trust you when you say you want to really be there. I don’t think you’re going to cut and run. I mean… you bought a house.” She laughed in delighted disbelief.

I smiled, unable to help myself. She was just so damn delightful. And, hey, I had succeeded. I was going to get to be a father to Fern. Fuck, my heart felt so full it was like I could hardly contain it all.

Then Maggie took a deep breath. “If you… you know that… Fern and I don’t have to be a package deal.”

I stared at her. “What?”

“If you’re trying to be close to me just so that I’ll let you see Fern,” Maggie clarified. “You—you don’t have to do that.”

“Maggie.” Could she honestly think that our date, and all the rest, was just… letting off steam and trying to get on her good side for Fern? Of course I would have done whatever I could to impress Maggie in my commitment and skills as a father if I only wanted Fern in my life, but I never would’ve wined and dined her, never would’ve slept with her or talked about her moving in with me. “Maggie, no, that’s not it at all.”

I reached out, taking her hand. Maggie squeezed it reflexively, like it was a buoy thrown to her as she drowned. “I’m not getting close to you just to get to Fern. I’d never play with your emotions like that.” Then I remembered our first night together and I grimaced. “I didn’t mean to play with your emotions back then. Our first time. I hurt you and it was wrong of me. Even if I did have good reasons for feeling the way that I did—I was callous. I would do anything I could to go back in time and undo that, fix it.

“But if I just wanted Fern… you would know. There are plenty of parents who make it work for their kid without being together. They share the kid, you know, swap weekends and holidays. Or even share those days and just act as friends. I could settle for being your friend, Maggie, if that’s what you want. I can just be Fern’s father to you. But I’m not trying to get close to you to try and… fucking use you so that you’re convinced to let me be in Fern’s life. I’m getting close to you because I can’t fucking help myself.”

Maggie’s breath caught and her eyes got a bit wide. She didn’t let go of my hand.

“I’m head over heels in love with you. I think I was from the moment that we first had sex together. It was like stepping back and seeing you in a whole new light—and I wasn’t prepared for it then. I wasn’t, and I fucked up. I know that. And I will do whatever I have to so that I can keep making it up to you. But I know—the more time I spend with you the more I’m certain—that I’ve been in love with you since that night.

“I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you all that time. I tried to put you out of my mind but you were always there. It felt like I was being haunted. Even if you turn me down now… and you’ve got every right to.” I squeezed her hand. “You do. You’ve got every right to turn me away, after how I hurt you. But it’s not going to make me stop wanting you. I’m never going to stop wanting you.”