It was like emotional shock.
But she wondered how much of it was a blessing and how much of it was a curse. She could see why he thought it to be a good thing, and really, who was she to argue? He was the one who had to live with it. The one who’d had to endure watching the woman he loved die by inches over the course of a decade.
It was a pain she couldn’t begin to fathom. A pain that really did make her seem petty and childish for complaining about her lot.
She turned her head and pressed a kiss to his cheek, his stubble rough and pleasant beneath her lips. She rested her forehead against him, his body growing stiff beneath hers. Tense.
She put her hand on his face and turned him so that his eyes met hers, his lips so close to her own it would take nothing for her to lean in and taste him. She started to, and he held her away, his eyes intense.
“No.”
“Mak …”
He held her steady, his hands on her arms, and removed himself from his seat, depositing her in his place. The tram swung and her heart leap into her throat.
“Would you at least try not to kill us both while you run away from my scary, scary kissing?” she asked, putting her hand on her chest, feeling her heart throb beneath her palm.
When he looked at her, his eyes were blank, his mask firmly in place. “Trust me, printzyessa, it’s in your best interest for me to stop things.”
“Really?” she asked, crossing her arms.
“Yes,” he bit out. “You want a kiss, Eva. You want hearts and rainbows and whatever it is you imagine love to be. You don’t want sweaty sex and lust. It’s not you.”
She swallowed, her throat dry, her stomach tight. She was suddenly very aware of her breasts in a way she couldn’t remember ever being before. “Is … is sweaty sex on offer?”
“No,” he said.
“Then why bring it up? It’s a tease. A cruel one.”
He chuckled, dark and humorless. “How do you think I feel?”
“It’s impossible to tell. But you don’t seem to be that bothered by it either way.”
“My emotions might be numb, but I can assure you, my body is not.”
“You seem to assume that just because I am emotional my physical desire can’t be separate. It can be. It is.”
“And you desire me?” he asked, his face looking leaner, harder for a moment. More predatory.
The answer wasn’t easy, whether she answered honestly or not. She decided to go with honesty, because she really didn’t see the point in lying. Not when she’d been the one doing the kissing a moment earlier. “Yes.”
He swallowed visibly, his Adam’s apple bobbing. He let out a short breath, his top lip curving. “Isn’t that interesting.”
“I’m not sure if I’m flattered by that.”
“You probably shouldn’t be.”
“Too late. I am.” She nodded. “Yes, I’ve decided that I am.”
Mak looked down at Eva, his heart beating so hard he thought it would burst out of his chest. He wondered why he was still being tested like this. Hadn’t he passed already? Hadn’t he stayed faithful to his wife every moment of their marriage? Hadn’t he turned away from every temptation placed in front of him?
And now he was free. His marriage was dissolved by death and he was free to be with a woman if he chose to be.
But he wanted Eva. And she wanted him. And he couldn’t touch her. No matter how much he ached for her. It was torture, a new pain, fresh after so many years of blank nothingness in his chest.
But the futility of it … it was enough to make him want to rage at whoever controlled things. At least the things in his life.
“It doesn’t matter either way.” The words stuck in his throat, but he forced them out. For his own benefit as much as hers. “Nothing can happen between us. You’re under my care, you’re stuck here with me … it would be unethical.”
“I don’t care.”
“I do,” he said. “Anyway, you’re bored. You’re stuck here with me. Wouldn’t you feel the same about any man you were here with?”
She jerked back as though he’d slapped her. “No. But now that I know that’s what you think of me, I suppose it’s a good thing we aren’t going to do … anything.”