“And now it isn’t? What changed your mind?”
“If I say the orgasm will you run away?”
He could have laughed at her candor—if his chest didn’t feel like it had a pile of bricks on it. “No.”
“Well, it wasn’t that. Not really. But it is partly this. I can’t imagine trying to raise a child with you. Seeing you. And having it not be like this and I thought... I just thought, and I’ll be perfectly honest with you, how if I didn’t marry you there would be other women. That you might have a child with someone else. I don’t want that, Alex. Which brings me to the next part—if you marry me, I’m the only woman you get.”
Her demand warmed him in a strange way. That she could be jealous. That she would want to ensure only she had him. “That’s just fine with me.”
“Really?”
“Yes. I have no desire to ever make you feel used. And it’s not just because of your past, but because of mine. Of my mother’s.”
“You loved her, didn’t you?” she asked.
Her words hit like an arrow. “Yes,” he said. “She was my mother.”
“But a lot of people would be angry with their mothers for putting them in that position.”
“She was a victim, Rachel. Nothing more. Sad and utterly pathetic, and I do not have it in me to be angry with her. No one on all the earth loved her but me, and I am happy to be the one who did. The one who does.” The words stuck in his throat, a note of sadness in them that he despised. Still the boy who longed for her love. The boy who’d never really had it.
“My mother... When she found out about the video—” she let out a shaking breath “—my dad had to tell her because it cost so much to pay off Colin. Mind you, they had a lot of money and she never would have noticed, but he felt like it was right. She was so ashamed of me. She’d taught me better, not to let men talk me into things. Never drink, never smoke, never tarnish our reputation. She’d told me to save my virtue. And I didn’t, in her eyes. I embarrassed the whole family, ruined myself forever, and it would have all been avoided if I had just been...”
“More like her.” He felt a lead weight settle in his stomach. So very strange, but he felt for her. Felt her pain. Just as he felt her pleasure when they made love.
“Yes. But you...you remember your mother’s flaws and you love her.”
“I do,” he said, his throat tightening.
“I love mine, but sometimes I think remembering her as anything but perfect, the way everyone else seems to remember her, is an insult to her memory. I’m the only one who had that relationship with her. It’s almost like I knew someone different.”
“They’re your memories, Rachel. They aren’t wrong. And you have a right to feel upset about them.”
“You’re better than a therapist, Alex. Of course, while dealing with all of these old issues you’re giving me a set of new ones. Also, you’ve given me a lot of issues in general.”
“Have I?” he asked. Her joke, which he was sure was only partly a joke, made him feel unspeakably tired. Made him feel like he was ruining something wonderful.
“Nothing serious,” she said.