Under His Rule

“But I’ve been gone for years,” I say.

“Your eyes—they never changed.” A big smile forms on her lips. “And those beautiful freckles across your nose. And that same voice that always followed after a tug at my dress.”

I snort and wipe away some tears. “I remember that.”

“How much do you remember?” she asks.

“Everything,” I say. “Noah … he forced me to dig into my mind until I found them.”

Her face turns dark when I mention his name. “Did he hurt you?”

“What? No … well, I …” I wipe more tears and sigh. How do I explain this to her? I don’t want to hurt her by telling her about how they brought me here. But I think she already knows, judging from the mournful look on her face.

“Did he put you in the suffering hut?” She grabs my shoulders. “Tell me the truth.”

After more hesitation, I nod.

Her eyes fill with a type of rage I’ve never seen before, one that could split mountains in half.

“That bastard,” she says through gritted teeth.

I rub my lips together and mull it over. I don’t know how much I should tell her … or if I should even tell her anything. She sounds as though she hates him, but I don’t understand why. I was supposed to be his betrothed. Yet she pushed me to leave this place.

“Why did you make me leave?” The words spill out before I realize it.

“What?” She frowns. “I didn’t—”

“Don’t lie to me,” I say, pushing her hand off my shoulder. “You were the one who pushed me away from my home, who forced me to go beyond the fence and into the normal world. You left me when I was only a little girl.” Tears fill my eyes again. “I don’t remember much, but I clearly remember you and that scarf you put around my neck that changed my life forever.”

“I … I …” she stammers.

“Tell me the truth, Mother,” I say, standing my ground.

Her eyes fall, and she lets out an exasperated sigh. “God only knows how badly I wanted to keep you with me.”

“Then why didn’t you?” I ask.

Her eyes spark open. “Natalie. Look around. You’ve seen what they do to people like us here.”

“Like … us?” My eyes widen.

Does she mean …

“I’m not from this community either. I came from out there, from the world where people don’t punish others by locking them in cold, concrete cells, by putting scarves over women’s mouths, by forcing them to marry, or by … fucking.” She swallows hard. “And you don’t belong here either.”

She approaches me again, clasping my hands close together. “I wanted a better life for you. Anything was better than staying here. Yes, I forced you to leave, but I did it to save you.” She looks into my eyes with the same kind of sorrow I’m feeling in my heart right now, and it eats away at me. “You have to believe me. Please.” She can barely keep it together right now, I can tell. “It was the only way to keep them from branding you.”

“Branding me?” I mutter.

She rolls up her dress sleeve and shows me the same symbol that’s on Noah’s hand. “It’s a patriarchal symbol. They would’ve done it to you too at your age if I hadn’t gotten you out of here,” she says. “Along with all the other terrible things that happen here—”

“That I’ve now also experienced …” I interject.

She sighs and looks away. “I wished … I wished so badly you wouldn’t ever return. I missed you. I missed you so much my heart ached, but you should’ve never come back. Why did you let him take you?”

Now I can’t look her in the eyes. “Because … I’d forgotten everything, and I needed to know where I came from.”

Curiosity. That’s my excuse. After my mom risked everything to get me out, that’s what ultimately brought me back into the place she fears the most.

“Why didn’t you leave with me?” I ask.

“Honey, there are too many guards. They watch over us captured more than anyone else here,” she explains. “When I heard your name coming from Noah’s lips I knew you were back, but I couldn’t get out, they wouldn’t let me. I managed to slip past them only a few times to try to find you.”

“But you’ve been here so long. Why are they still keeping you behind closed doors?”

“They don’t trust me, and they shouldn’t. All I’ve wanted was to escape this place. But I’m still a prisoner,” she laments. “And now you are too, thanks to that …” She grunts. “God, I wish I’d never trusted him when he said he’d get you out.”

My pupils dilate. “What? He’d get me out?”

She nods. “It was Noah’s idea to put you in one of the traveling cases during a trip to the outside world with his father to gain more followers. I only knew where to bring you and when, but it was up to him to cover up for you. I assume he let you out of the case when it was safe and left you on your own so no one would notice you’d come with them outside the community.”