She shouldn’t even have to ask. That was my job, but I put myself before Sofia. Once we talked about it, it would really be real. I would have to admit that it was entirely my fault. “I will.”
Maria placed her hand on my arm. “Thank you. You’ve always been good to her, and I appreciate it.”
Whenever Sofia took a shower, she always carried her clothes into the bathroom so she could change in privacy. When she got ready for bed in the evening, she did the same thing. I hadn’t seen her naked skin in over a month. It hurt that she felt the need to cover herself around me, but I tried to remember it wasn’t right for me to feel anything about it.
She was in the bathroom when I decided to go out. I walked to the door and tapped my knuckles against the wood.
Sofia’s voice echoed against the tile. “Yeah?”
“I’m gonna have a drink with Ash. I’ll be back in an hour.”
She didn’t answer, but I could hear her rummaged in the bathroom as she quickly got dressed.
My own wife wouldn’t let me see her naked. That wasn’t good.
She opened the door a second later, a robe tied around her waist. “Where are you going?”
“The bar.” I hated myself for what I’d done. I hated the fact that my own wife didn’t trust me. Sometimes it made me angry, and I had to redirect that anger onto myself because it wasn’t her fault. My physical injuries would heal in time, but her mental state could be permanent. It seemed like every time I came close to her, she pushed further away.
“I’m glad you feel well enough to go out.”
“Yeah. It’s an improvement.” The only real reason I wanted to get out of the house was to take a break. I was tired of the way she looked at me—or better yet, the way she didn’t look at me. “I’ll see you soon.” There were no more kisses on the cheek, long embraces before I walked out. Now we made exchanges like strangers.
It killed me inside.
I met Ash at the bar two minutes later. He was already seated at a table when I walked in. There were two glasses of scotch in front of him, one for him and one for me. But I suspected he got started without me long before I arrived.
I fell into the chair and immediately took a drink.
Ash leaned forward slightly, his arms resting on the table. “How are things?”
“Shitty.”
“What are you talking about? I remember when you couldn’t walk up the stairs. Now, here you are, walking around as a free man. That doesn’t sound shitty to me.”
My hand rested across the top of my glass. “I don’t give a shit about my recovery. Part of me wishes I were dead.”
Ash rolled his eyes. “Dramatic.”
“I’m serious.”
Ash didn’t make another joke. “What’s the problem?”
“My wife doesn’t want me.” As I spoke the words out loud, my chest ached in pain.
Sympathy filled his gaze.
“I love my wife more than anything in this world…and she doesn’t love me back. It’ll always be this way, no matter what I do. I’m doomed to suffer like this forever.”
“What are you talking about?” he asked. “Of course she loves you.”
I shook my head. “No. And she never will.” I tilted my head back and took a drink. I set it down with a loud thud. “I know this is gonna sound crazy, but hear me out.”
“You know I love crazy shit.”
“When I was young, a gypsy told me I would love only one woman…and she would never love me back. I thought it was bullshit. Who wouldn’t? But everything she predicted has come true.”
Ash raised an eyebrow. “You being serious right now?”
“Unfortunately.”
“If that was the case, why did she marry you?”
“Because she had to.”
“So, this is an arranged marriage?”
“Exactly.” I took another drink. “I married her because I loved her…and she married me because she had to. I thought things would change, that we would get closer together, but after everything that has transpired, I don’t think that’s going to happen. She won’t let me touch her. She doesn’t desire me. She doesn’t talk to me.”
Ash ignored his drink. “If she didn’t care about you, she wouldn’t be at your beck and call. That woman has been deeply concerned about your well-being. Maybe she doesn’t love you, but all that other stuff is untrue. She’s devoted to you. I just think she has some personal shit getting in the way of that.”
“And now I’ll never have a chance…”
“I wouldn’t say that. But it does look like you’re gonna have to start over.”
I rubbed my temple because this moment had already been six years in the making. I’d worked so hard to have her, but no matter how close I got, I was never close enough.