“I can’t forget about it,” he said grimly. “That’s the point.”
The self-destructive side of her that seemed to be alive and well urged her to just say it, say it. Tell him how messed up she was and surely he’d go running and they could just end this. “Let me up,” she muttered, pushing against his legs. This time he did, rolling off her and into a sitting position beside her. She reclaimed some personal distance and wrapped her arms around her knees.
“I’m sure Lilly has told you I was the black sheep of the family.”
His expression didn’t alter. “She mentioned it.”
“My parents’ farm, it’s never done well and most of our lives we lived in poverty. When I say poverty, I mean there were times when we had no money for new clothes and we’d have to go to the charity depot to get them. My parents’ marriage was a mess both because of who they were and because of the financial strain of the farm. My dad had an affair with the farmer’s wife down the road, my mother left us about three times...life was just a general disaster. Lilly dealt with it by starving herself and being Miss Perfect. I dealt with it by going over to the dark side. I drank, smoked, hung out with the bad crowd, anything to get the attention I was craving.”
“Lilly said your parents are extremely distant. I can see why.”
“Yes, but I took it too far. I stole clothes from the department store for our prom because I was so bitter at having nothing and got busted for it. I started staying out at night, sometimes not coming home until the next day. And then I met Damon, the head of a biker gang, and we started dating.” Her mouth curved as his jaw dropped. “He was hot, powerful and he satisfied my rebellious side perfectly.”
“You dated the head of a biker gang?”
She nodded.
“Your father must have lost his mind.”
“He did. He forbade me to see him. Grounded me. But I loved egging him on. I loved finally having his attention.”
“I would have tied you to the bed,” Gabe said darkly.
Her mouth twisted. “I’m sure he would have done that, too, if he’d thought it’d work. He kicked me out instead, and I went to live with Damon.”
He looked at her as though she’d just descended from Mars.
She sighed. “It was nuts. He was involved in illegal activity, I knew it, but he kept me well away from it. He had some legitimate businesses. I was only sixteen. What did I know?”
His breath hissed through his teeth. “Sixteen?”
She nodded. Stared down at her glittering champagne-colored nails. She’d thought she was so grown up with Damon—thought she’d known exactly what she was doing—but she’d been in way over her head. “Damon and I went out one night to a movie. He was doing a drop that night. I never knew and didn’t suspect anything because he never did that with me around. The cops must have known, though, because they picked us up almost as soon as we left the house and searched us.” She looked up at Gabe. “They found a kilogram of heroin in the saddlebags.”
“Did you ever do drugs?” he asked quietly.
“No. That might have been the only smart decision I made.” She took a deep breath, but her lungs felt constricted. “They threw us in jail. It was Damon they wanted, but they tried to use me to get to him. Said they would implicate me, too, if I didn’t give them what they wanted.” She hugged her knees tighter to her chest. “I—I was by myself in a separate holding room. The guy—the sheriff’s deputy who questioned me—was the same deputy who’d answered my shoplifting call. I could tell he thought I was trash. He made me feel like I was two inches tall. But—” she sank her teeth into her lower lip “—I could also tell that he liked me.”
Gabe put his hand on her knee, his expression dark and intent as a storm cloud. She realized she was rocking back and forth. “That was the guy who put his hands on you.”
She nodded. “I was crying, scared. I begged him to let me call my father, but he kept coming back to question me, again and again, and he didn’t let me call home. I think they were intent on breaking Damon that night.”
A muscle jumped in his jaw. “That’s against the law not to let you call.”
She made a face. “This is Mission Hill we’re talking about. Nothing is above the law.”
She rocked forward—she couldn’t help it when that miserable, dirty beige room they’d interrogated her in that night was so vivid in her mind it was as if it had happened yesterday. “They were relentless,” she said harshly. “Damon kept telling them I knew nothing about the drugs, but they wouldn’t stop. It was late—the middle of the night—when the deputy finally gave up. I asked him again to let me call my father.” Her gaze lifted to his, her lips trembling. “He told me he would if I was nice to him.”
Gabe’s fingers tightened around her knee. A dark thundercloud moved over his face. “I refused. I fought him when he tried to touch me. I screamed and screamed until he got scared someone would come and he let me go.” Tears burned the back of her eyes and she blinked them furiously away. She did not cry about this. She never cried. “I called my father. They hadn’t heard from me in weeks. He was so angry. So mad at me he just yelled. I asked him to come get me.” She looked down at her hands, her knuckles white they were twisted so tightly together. “He told me I could damn well wait until the morning. That he needed his sleep.”
There was a long pause. “He told a sixteen-year-old girl that?”
She inclined her head. “I expect I deserved it.”
“Cristo, Alex, of course you didn’t.” He took her by the shoulders, his fingers biting into her flesh. “Maybe you deserved to be taught a lesson, but you did not deserve to be left alone with a law enforcement official who couldn’t keep his hands off you.”
She dropped her gaze to his chest. “I pushed him too far.”
“It doesn’t matter. You are his child. You deserved his protection. You did not deserve to be left alone in a jail cell overnight.” He cursed and gathered her to him. “Thank God you were a fighter, Lex.”
She stiffened. “I don’t need your pity, Gabe. I reaped what I sowed.”
“You were a baby,” he bit out tautly.
“You don’t understand.” She pulled herself out of his arms. “I made it impossible for them to love me. They were so tired of me by then they wanted me to disappear. And I don’t blame them.”
His gaze softened. “I think you wanted to be loved. Your parents don’t sound like they’re capable of it.”
“I’m not capable of love. I’ve been destructive in every relationship I’ve ever had. It’s a pattern, Gabe.”
“Not with your sisters,” he pointed out. “They worship the ground you walk on.”
“That’s different. They have no choice but to put up with me.”
“They love you. That’s the difference, Lex. People who love you reciprocate. People who love you protect you.”
The ache in her throat grew to gargantuan proportions, the urge to run almost incapacitating. “It’s very kind of you to try and convince me I’m not as messed up as I am, Gabe, but I’m fully aware of it. I’m actually okay with it. It works for me.”
His gaze sharpened on her face. “Sì, because you like to use it as an excuse. Just like you always make those comments about how you can’t trust men. Or how you say you’re a bad girl. You’d rather paint yourself like that, convince yourself you’re incapable of a healthy relationship rather than face the reality of being in one.”
Heat consumed her, so blindingly hot she thought she might implode. “Do not tell me what I’m capable of, Gabe De Campo. You have no idea what it’s been like to live my reality.”
His eyes darkened, a forbidding, severe green now. “I’m just saying what all of us have seen for years but everyone’s afraid to say. You’re so busy perfecting your prickly Alex act to keep people from getting too close that you don’t know how to live. You’re a fighter, Lex, in everything but your personal life.”
She dragged in a breath, her gaze trained on his. “I’ve been through therapy. I know what my issues are. But what about you, Gabe? You’re the top bachelor who can’t get off the list because you’re looking for perfection. For the one woman who can live up to those impossible standards of yours. Well, news flash,” she bit out, glaring at him. “She doesn’t exist.”
“I am not looking for perfection.”
She scrambled for the side of the bed and set her feet on the floor. “You know what’s rich about this? You are the one who made this about sex. You’re the one who suggested a one-night stand. So don’t lecture me about my relationship skills or who or what I am when that’s all this was supposed to be.”
She ran then. She didn’t care that it made her look out of control, didn’t care that her emotions were plastered across her face. Getting away was paramount.
She didn’t hear Gabe’s softly spoken words as the door slammed shut behind her. “You’re not so difficult to know, Lex. The question is, will you ever let anyone in?”