“Fine,” I said. “Let’s go.”
“Better change,” Corbin pointed out. “Can’t go having breakfast in what you slept in now that you’re no longer a college student.”
“What?” Manning’s face fell. “You dropped out?”
“Graduated.” I straightened my shoulders as I glanced from him to Corbin and back. “Last Thursday.”
“But it’s December. Your Mom was planning on flying out for the ceremony next June.”
Since I’d made my decision to leave California right before fall, I’d missed the first semester at NYU and started in the spring instead. I wasn’t sure I would’ve been able to handle school anyway on top of moving to such an overwhelming place with no money and a battered spirit. “I didn’t tell Mom,” I said. “I knew it would hurt her that I didn’t want any of you there. Not even her.”
“You had me and Val, though,” Corbin said. He came and threw an arm around me, turning to Manning. “Tell Cathy not to worry. I was there every step of the way.”
Manning and Corbin exchanged looks that could melt steel, which was my cue to duck out from under Corbin’s arm and into my bedroom to change clothes.
3
Manning
Corbin led us from Lake’s apartment to the restaurant where he and Lake had planned to have breakfast. I stayed a few steps behind them. When he put an arm around her shoulders, I had to refrain from stopping him. The urge to separate them hadn’t lessened since I’d last seen them together. Even at my own wedding, I’d watched Corbin like a hawk. The difference was he had her attention now, and I didn’t. What apparently remained the same was that I wanted her as fiercely today as I had back then.
Seeing how she lived, hearing what I’d missed, touching her, getting a taste of what I’d dreamed about, had nightmares about, had tortured myself over . . . it confirmed that coming to New York was the right decision.
I’d been a patient man. I’d been a good husband. I’d provided for Tiffany, and she’d helped me understand over the years I probably wasn’t destined to become my father. But there existed a divide between us that I hadn’t been able to cross while I still had feelings for Lake. When my parole had ended, I’d starting planning this trip, but even then, I’d fought myself. After what I’d put Lake through, it wasn’t fair to just show up. It’d killed me slowly, though, the not knowing—what she was like now, how she lived, who she loved.
I weaved through crowded city sidewalks, bounced off puffy coats, tripped over dog leashes, and sidestepped trash bags on every curb of Manhattan. The company had flown me out here for a week to work, but for months I’d been preparing myself to face Lake. In that time, I’d begun to realize—if I got here and had even the slightest doubt that Lake was better off without me, I’d be unable to walk away. I needed to let her go or make her mine for good. I couldn’t handle the in between anymore. She’d stumbled out of the cab this morning looking anything but perfect, and still, my mouth had watered for her. I’d remembered how hungry I was. No matter how close Tiffany and I had gotten, no matter if I’d been good for her and she for me, she’d never feed my deepest hunger. Not the way Lake could.
And while Tiffany slept in Egyptian cotton and liked to eat out three or four nights a week, Lake had next to nothing. The question was no longer whether I was good for her. It was how I’d atone for my mistakes, from earning her forgiveness to untangling myself from the life I’d built on the west coast.
Corbin took Lake’s hand. She glanced back at me. Lake wasn’t the wide-eyed girl I’d once known, begging for me to destroy her. She wasn’t pure as watermelon Chapstick on never-been-kissed lips. She wasn’t perfect anymore, she wasn’t young and naïve, and that meant I could act on all the things I’d fantasized about doing to her. And that was definitely a fucking problem considering I was still a married man.
In the restaurant, Corbin took Lake’s coat and scarf and went with the hostess to hang them up. It was a stupid thing to get jealous over, but I did. I leaned in to Lake and said, “Tell him to go. I need time alone with you.”
She tucked her hair behind her ear, glancing after Corbin. “I gave you enough time already.”
“Look at me,” I said.
Hesitantly, she shifted her eyes up as I dropped mine to her lips. I’d almost kissed her and now it was all I could think of. I’d never be this close to her again and not burn for it. To sink into her smell, feel her downy-soft hair against my cheek, tangled in my fingers, spread over my skin as she slept on my chest . . .