I flinched, surprised only that he’d asked, not by the question itself. Even though I’d wondered the same thing many times, I only had one answer—the truth—and I wasn’t sure Corbin wanted to hear it. “Corbin . . .”
“That guy’s a loser. So are most of the guys you date. Why didn’t you ever give me a shot?”
Corbin and I had been on countless dinner dates and attended myriad events and parties together. We’d kissed, we’d fooled around, we’d slept in each other’s arms. He’d asked me out and he’d tried for more, but that was a long time ago. We’d become so much more since then. He knew it would never work between us. “You know why,” I said.
“Manning.” He stuck his tongue in his cheek and got a look like the ones Manning used to get over Corbin. “I never understood it. What was Tiffany talking about, sneaking out at camp? You were so, I don’t know, gullible back then. I knew you had a crush on him, but if I’d realized he was taking advantage of you—”
“Nothing happened while I was under eighteen,” I said. “New York was the first time.”
“After he was married to Tiffany.” He opened his hands, shaking his head. “Explain it to me, Lake. What do you see in him?”
I’d been wrong just now. It wasn’t jealousy I was seeing like I’d thought. Corbin just didn’t trust Manning, and I couldn’t fault him that. “I can’t put it into words,” I said.
He opened an arm toward the door. “So that guy in there, hitting on your sister—he’s the next best thing?”
“Not at all. He’s just nothing. We have a good time, he makes me laugh, and he leaves me alone.”
“I don’t get it. I really don’t. You could have anyone.”
Anyone? I wanted to say. Don’t you know I don’t want anyone? I want Manning. I pushed the thoughts away and scooted my chair closer to Corbin’s. “You asked why it wasn’t you?” I said. “Of course I thought about you and me a lot, especially after September eleventh.”
“Yeah,” he said. I didn’t need to explain what I meant—he’d lost not just colleagues but friends in the terrorist attacks, and it was an unspoken truth that it’d changed many of us.
But because I always wanted Corbin to know how much I cared about him, I did explain, even though I’d told him the story many times. “I remember every detail of that morning,” I said, taking Corbin’s hand. “I was seeing that guy Brandon from Chicago, and we’d been out late, so we were still sleeping when we got the call.”
“Your mom.”
I hesitated. I didn’t want to keep anything from Corbin anymore now that we’d started talking honestly about this area of our lives. “Actually no. I never told you, but someone else called first.”
“Who?” He glanced at my face, and then said, “Oh.”
Brandon had answered the phone, and a man on the other end of the line had asked for me. I’d picked up with a cheery “hello?”—none the wiser about what’d happened downtown.
“Lake,” was Manning’s response. Simple. One word. But my name from his mouth—it’d always had a certain kind of power over me.
“What’s wrong?” I’d asked him.
“I just needed to hear . . .” He’d paused and said, “You should call home.”
I’d held the receiver long after he’d gotten off the line, but the moment I’d hung up, the line had rung again. That time it was my mom and she’d been hysterical, ordering me to turn on the TV.
“For a split second,” I said to Corbin, “I couldn’t remember where you were.” My eyes filled up, and I blinked the tears away. “Panic completely wiped my brain. I started screaming for Val, and she ran into the bedroom. She hadn’t heard yet so when I asked her where you were, she thought I was going crazy. ‘He left for San Francisco three days ago, you loon,’ she’d said. ‘You took him out to breakfast before the flight.’ When I told Val, she completely lost it, Corbin. I basically had to stop falling apart because she was freaking out so bad. She was inconsolable.”
Corbin rubbed his face. He’d heard this story, but not all of it.
I told him the part I’d been keeping to myself. “After the fear and panic and grief I felt that morning, I thought, maybe I do love Corbin. Maybe he’s the one.”
He sat back. “But?”
“I did love you. And I was attracted to you. That was never the issue. You know the truth deep down—you would’ve always been second best, Corbin. Always. The only person I love more than you is Manning. My feelings for him are immoveable—I know it in my gut. Nobody will ever replace him.”
He searched my eyes with his endless blue ones. They were rarely sad like now, and I couldn’t help noticing how beautiful they were despite that. Or maybe because of it. “Back then, I would’ve been fine with second best.”