“But you must’ve been a kid. How long had it been going on?”
“All of their marriage, but it didn’t happen that often. Something inside him that was just . . . off.” And I had to wonder, how did I know I didn’t have the same thing? I got angry like any man. I tried never to put myself in a situation where I might test the switch, though.
“What happened to him?”
“My dad? Prison. Hard as it was, I had to go up on the stand and convince them that he’d hurt us before, even though we’d never filed a report. My mom wouldn’t do it. She tried to get me not to, didn’t see what good it did if Maddy was gone anyway. I didn’t see it that way, though. I wanted the max sentence.”
Lake fidgeted with the bracelets on her wrist, kept twisting whatever was in her hand. “All this happened when you were fifteen?”
“You see why I get so worried? It’s not just because of Maddy. I saw and did a lot of things a kid shouldn’t. It changes you. Can’t ever go back.”
“I get it,” she said softly. “Of course I do. I just can’t believe . . . what about your mom?”
“Still in Pasadena. I guess.”
“You don’t know?”
“I went to live with Dad’s sister. My mom was my mom—I loved her. I tried to protect her. But she picked a monster over me.” I finally let go of the steering wheel, flexing my aching hand. “I couldn’t go back after that. I realized once I moved out, I resented her anyway for staying with him all that time.”
“I wouldn’t go back, either,” Lake said.
It was her way of showing support, but just thinking of Lake in a situation like that got under my skin. “My aunt was all right. She didn’t forgive my dad like Mom did but she kinda checked out. She was torn up about Madison and felt bad she hadn’t done anything sooner knowing my dad’s temper. So we left each other alone. I couldn’t give her anything. I had nothing.”
“Do you still feel that way?”
“Do you?” I asked.
“No. You have something to give, I know it.”
I nodded. “I’m going to help others. That’s how I’m going to give.”
“Because they believed you,” she said, piecing it together. “That’s why it means so much to you to become an officer.”
“One of the cops who’d been there that night, he stopped by my aunt’s to check in on me from time to time. Made sure I stayed on track and graduated high school. I never met anyone like him before that or since. Henry’s a good man. That’s why I want to be a cop. Help people like he does.”
It wasn’t exactly a happy ending, but it was something. It was all I had. Everything else was mistakes and broken relationships and loss.
“I never would’ve . . .” Lake’s voice trembled. “If I’d known, I wouldn’t have run off like that.”
Without thinking, I put my hand on her knee, covering it and then some. She was far away, but I could still reach her. “I know. It just reminded me of everything, you disappearing like that.” Her cheeks were wet. “Please don’t. Don’t cry.”
“But I . . . I love. This. Our . . . you . . .”
I squeezed her leg. I understood Lake and her broken words. She didn’t mean it like she was in love with me. She was trying to say she couldn’t help her tears. Couldn’t stop her heart from breaking for Madison. I loved her for it, too, for a tenderness so altruistic and pure, it overflowed outside her control. She released her legs and extended the one I was holding. I slid my hand down to her ankle, slower than I meant to, appreciating the smoothness of her calf. I wanted to say come here and wipe her tears. Hold her until she understood she was still safe, and I wasn’t mad. My hand encompassed her ankle. I realized the thing clamped in her hand was her bra. She was still the young girl I wanted to protect. No toenail polish. No makeup. Wet hair. Wanting what she wanted, no price too high. But there was more to her tonight, there always had been. The look she gave me, as if she could sense me responding to her small tits and pink mouth. Those gaping shorts.
She was breathing hard again, but not out of fear. Her tears had dried. She dug her foot between the seats, where I’d shoved the cigarettes, and nudged the pack out. “You look like you need one.”
I wondered if my face was as gray as hers had been a minute ago. She seemed warm now, loving, but now my hands shook, even the one holding her ankle. She sat forward without moving her legs and turned up the stereo.