“They might use different tools, but all we need is a cell phone, a cigarette lighter and a pocketknife.”
He stared at her. “Where do you get this information?”
“Books and TV. The spy always has these things with them, even if he doesn’t smoke. Everyone knows that.”
Eric stared at her. “Tell me that you’re joking.”
“I might be,” she said with a smile. “And thieves might have different methods, but they’re driven for common reasons.” She started ticking them off with her fingers. “Greed, envy, revenge, the need for attention…”
“They also can be violent,” Eric said, “which is enough reason for you to stay out of it.”
“Come on, Eric. Don’t you want to right some wrongs? Fight the good fight?” She pumped her fist up in the air like a superhero. “Save the day?”
“No.”
Her eyes widened and she lowered her hand. “Seriously?” She stared at him. “But you…you’re a…”
“Special agent. For ICE. Yeah, I know.” He speared his hand in his hair and sighed, not sure if he wanted to share his world with Julie. “Let me tell you a secret about fighting crime.”
Eagerness flashed in her eyes and she leaned in closer. “What? What is it?”
“Sometimes the bad guys win.”
Her eyes narrowed as she waited for more.
“And sometimes you have to get on their level and fight dirty to catch them,” he said slowly, his heart pumping hard. He couldn’t look at Julie. “Once you do that, you’ll never feel clean again.”
“You will do whatever it takes,” she said as she looked at him with adoration…which he didn’t deserve. “It’s worth it if it brings justice in the end.”
“Not always.” Didn’t she get it? He could be just as bad, just as dirty as the thieves he captured. “Sometimes you can put together a great case, but it’s not enough to convict. And if they are convicted, there’s a chance that they will serve less time in jail than it took for you to put them in there.”
“But you stopped them,” she insisted. “That’s what’s important. Justice was served.”
“Temporarily,” he pointed out. “Don’t forget that the bad guys will always outnumber you. They become stronger, richer and more dangerous every day.”
“So, why do you keep at it?” Julie asked. “If you hadn’t been injured, I’m sure you would still be at it, catching bad guys. Why haven’t you given up?”
There had been plenty of times when he felt burned-out and useless. Days that tested his ideals. Days when good and bad wasn’t black and white. He had given his youth, his body and soul, to the job and lately he didn’t think it was worth it. When he was first put on medical leave, he seriously considered retiring from his nomadic life. But that would mean finding a home and a place where he belonged. The idea scared him. He didn’t want a repeat of his childhood.
And then he’d walked into his godfather’s firm, and he met Julie. He was someone who looked for ulterior motives and found her friendliness a rare treat. She was a natural beauty while he still carried the taint of an underground world. She was bright, creative and fun. She lived in a safe and peaceful world. A world that he fought for, but it almost felt foreign to him.
But he also remembered that look in her eye when she had discovered what he did for a living. He was James Bond and Hercules wrapped into one. It was as if all his aches and scars had faded. Every time she looked at him with that mix of idealism and respect, he felt invincible.
He also felt guilty. She shouldn’t look up to him or create a fantasy about what he did for a living. Sooner or later she would understand that he was no hero. Heroes were squeaky clean and virtuous. They were better than everyone else. He wasn’t good enough to stand next to someone like Julie.
“I know why,” Julie said quietly.
Eric stiffened. “You do?” How did she know? Was it obvious that he wanted to be the hero of her dreams? Did she see that he wanted to be honorable and civilized just for her?
She stepped closer and placed her hand on his arm. She tilted her head and looked up at him, her expression softening with adoration. “You don’t quit because it’s not in your nature.”
His heart skipped a beat before he relaxed. “Yeah, sure. Right.”
She gave him a curious look. “What did you think I was going to say?” she asked as she let go of his arm.