Breathe with Me (With Me in Seattle 7)

“I don’t either.”

“Mama, why did this happen?”

“I don’t know.”

“Where’s Tiff?”

She’s quiet for a long minute.

“She’s in the morgue, honey.”

“Here? In the hospital?” I’ve seen Law and Order when Mom and Dad didn’t know I was watching, so I know how the morgue works.

“Yes.”

“Can we say goodbye to her too? Before we leave?”

“I don’t know for sure. We’ll ask, okay?”

I nod and stare at Daddy. I just want him to wake up. Just for a minute. Just to tell me that he loves me and that I’m pretty. So I can tell him I love him and that I will be responsible and I will take things more seriously.

I stand and lean in so I can whisper in his ear. His hair is bloody and his ear is all swollen and scraped up, but I ignore it and talk anyway.

“I love you so much, Daddy. You are my hero. I will watch over Mama. Don’t worry, okay?” I sniffle and kiss his cheek, resting my lips against his scratchy stubble for a second. He used to always tease me with his stubble, rubbing it against my neck, making me giggle. I brush my nose over it for a second. “I love you.”

I step away and wipe my nose on my sleeve and watch as my mom, rather than sit next to him, or lean in and whisper like I did, crawls on top of him, rests her head on his chest, wraps her arm around his waist, and just cries. It’s the saddest cry I’ve ever heard. So loud and long. She buries her face in his neck and holds on, crying for a long time.

When it seems like she might have fallen asleep, she kisses his cheek, his neck and then his lips. Tiff and I always make gross faces when they kiss and stuff but this time it just makes me cry harder. When she lays her head back on his shoulder, she whispers to him. I can’t hear all of the words, but I do hear love, forever, best time of my life.

Finally, when she’s all done, she stands and leans over him. She kisses his forehead and next to his lips and presses the red call button.

A few seconds later, the doctor comes back with a bunch of other people. She has Mom sign some papers, and then the team of people unplug all of the machines and take the wires off him. I don’t know what they mean or what they do.

They leave just the one that beeps with his heartbeat on and silently leave the room. Mom sits with him, murmuring to him, caressing his face.

“Love you so much, darling. You’re not alone. You don’t need to be afraid. Go see our girl. Go be with her now, and I’ll see you a little later.”

I’m crying silently. The beeps are getting farther and farther apart, until finally, there’s a beep and then… nothing.

No more beeps.

Just me and Mama, crying.

***

The house is quiet. It’s not quite dark yet. After Daddy was gone, we were escorted down to the morgue, which is nothing like Law and Order, to see Tiff. They would only let me see her face. They wouldn’t tell me, but I think her arms were really hurt because I wanted to hold her hand, but they wouldn’t let me.

My baby sister was really pale. Her eyes were closed like she was sleeping. But her hair was bloody like Daddy’s.

I wanted to wash her off. They should have cleaned her up. They should have put a pillow under her head. I tried to make them put the barrette I stole this morning in her hair, but they said they wouldn’t.

Mama said we would make sure someone puts it in her hair so she’s pretty when we bury her.

Mom and I stand in the living room, looking around with blind eyes. Why does it look the same?

Dad’s sneakers are by his rocking chair. Tiff’s backpack is on the kitchen table. It smells like them.

“I’m going to bed,” I whisper and trudge up the stairs to our bedroom and stop at the doorway. This is our room. Tiff’s and mine. We share a room, even though we could each have our own. Tiff’s bed is made. Her side of the room is always cleaner than mine.

“Meredith,” Mom says softly. I turn to look at her. She looks… tired. Her eyes are swollen. Her shoulders are saggy.

“I can’t sleep in there,” I say quietly. “She isn’t here to sleep with me.”

“Do you want to sleep in the spare room with me?” she asks and offers me a watery smile.

“You’re not going to sleep in your room?”

“Not tonight. Maybe tomorrow.” I nod and follow her down the hall, past her room to the guest room.

“It’s not even dark out yet,” I murmur. “And we didn’t have dinner.”

“Are you hungry?”

“No.”

“What do you want, baby?”

I shrug and bite my lip. I can’t look her in the eye. I’ll just cry again. “I guess we could just sleep.”

I don’t know where Mom got them from, but she pulls Daddy’s T-shirts over our heads and we slide under the covers together.

“Daddy will hug us tonight, baby girl,” she whispers brokenly. His shirts do smell like him, and it’s like having him right here with us.

“Wait!” I jump from the bed and hold my breath as I run into my room to grab something off Tiff’s bed, then run back in with Mom. Mom hugs me close, Tiff’s ratty old bear between us, and we both cry together, missing Daddy and Tiff already. We cry for a really long time, until we fall asleep.

“Meredith?” The passenger side door opens and Luke is there, holding my face in his hands. “Jesus Christ you’re pale, Mer. Come on, we have to go inside.”

“Luke?” Sam is suddenly next to him. “What’s wrong with her?”

“I don’t know. She looks… hollow.”

“Should I get some help?”

“No,” I reply hoarsely.

Chapter Twenty One

“I’m okay,” I murmur and move to get out of the car, but Luke holds me still for a moment, examining me.

“You’re not okay.”

“I need to get to Mark.”

“Where were you, Mer? You were gone during that entire thirty minute drive.”

“I was in the past.” I firm my chin and do my best to not show him that I’m falling apart here. I don’t matter. I need to get to Mark.

Luke swears under his breath and steps back to let me out.

“Her dad and sister,” Sam murmurs.

“I know,” he replies.

“I’m right here. I can hear you.” I try to shake them off, but they flank me. Luke wraps his arm around my low back and Sam takes my hand, and we walk into the emergency room together.