Breathe with Me (With Me in Seattle 7)

“Yes, you’ve told me the story, baby.”

She nods. “When Luke said there’d been an accident, and we got in the car, I was right back in that place, as if I was thirteen years old again, and the pain was bright and brand new.”

I brush my knuckles down her cheeks, my heart breaking for her.

“I understand that you’re okay. My brain computes it, Mark. You weren’t hurt badly, thank God, and you’ll heal quickly and everything will go back to normal.”

I nod, watching her as she struggles with her heart.

“But I can’t help the way my heart feels.”

“How does it feel?”

“Panicked. Terrified. God, I’m so scared. I didn’t know that your job is dangerous. It never occurred to me.”

“Would it have changed things? Would knowing that there are hazards on my job have kept you from falling back into love with me?”

She bites her lip and wrinkles her brow, and I want so desperately to lean in and kiss her there, to comfort her, but I wait, letting her reason things out.

“I never fell back into love with you. I was always in love with you,” she admits. “But maybe I could have prepared myself.”

“Honestly, M, the injuries that happen on a job site are typically small ones. Hammer a thumb, trip on a board. We are very careful and have rules to keep us all from getting hurt.”

She pulls away, turning onto her back and looks at the ceiling. “I think you should go home and rest.”

My heart stills.

“Didn’t you hear a word I just said?”

“I did.”

“But you’re still throwing me out.”

She bites her lip and jerks her head yes.

I stand and walk toward the door, but stop and turn around and watch the tears run down the sides of her face into her hair. She doesn’t want me to leave. She’s just scared.

“Fuck this, Meredith. I remember exactly what it felt like ten years ago to stand on your porch and have you tell me that we were through. I refuse to go through that again. I am not giving up on this. I can’t go a day, an hour without thinking about you. Without needing to hear your voice, see you smile.”

I rub my hand over my mouth and pace away in frustration and then circle around again.

“I’m trying to protect myself!” She stands and faces off with me, her hands fisted at her sides. “You want me to stay with you, to love you every day, but what am I supposed to do when you die and you leave me?”

“I’m not leaving you!”

“Today. You’re not leaving me today.”

“Meredith, I can’t promise you that nothing will ever happen to me because we don’t know. I can’t promise what I don’t have control of.”

“Exactly!” She points at me as if I finally get it. “You can’t.”

“No one can, M. Are you just going to be alone forever?”

“I’m not alone. I have Jax.”

“Until he dies too,” I reply coldly and hate myself when her face crumples.

“I have my studio.”

“What if it burns down?”

“STOP IT!” She screams nearing hysterics again.

“Baby, you have to know that the chances of any of that happening are minute.” I fight through her flailing arms and pull her tightly against my chest, tucking her head under my chin, and hold on with all my might. “Jax and I aren’t going anywhere. Your studio is safe.”

“I’m scared.”

“Me too. Mer, I wouldn’t survive losing you again. Your mom was the strongest person I’ve ever met. Next to you, and I’m surrounded by a lot of strong women, sweetheart.” I tip her face up so I can stare down into her beautiful face. “You’re so strong, baby. I love you more than I can ever tell you. I’m sure there are pretty words that would work, but I don’t know what they are. I just know that what I feel for you is so big, there’s no way I can let you go. Please don’t ask me to. I can’t say goodbye to you, M.”

I lean my forehead against hers as she finally, finally, wraps her arms around me and holds on desperately.

“I love you so big,” she whispers as she buries her face in my neck, the way she always does.

“As long as we have each other, we can do anything.” I smirk at myself. Where the fuck is my man card? “I know it sounds cliché, but it’s true, Mer. Something Luke said not long ago has stuck with me. He said that if Natalie ever tries to leave him, he’s going with her because his life doesn’t work without her.”

I feel her grin against my neck and I take the first clean breath I’ve had since she walked out of the hospital room yesterday.

“That sounds like him,” she mumbles.

“I get it.” I tug her into my lap at the edge of the bed. “I feel the same way.”

“Natalie is a lucky girl,” Meredith says. There’s my smart-ass.

“My life doesn’t work without you in it, M.” I kiss her temple and continue to rub her back, soothing us both.

“I’m sorry.” Her voice is small and shaky. “I panicked. I’ve been panicking all night because I was worried and I was regretting not being with you to take care of you.”

“Yes you did.” Now that she’s with me, truly with me, I feel my own trembles begin. “You scared me too.”

Her hands glide down my arms, then she sits back and takes in my clothes.

“You’re in scrubs.”

“My clothes were ruined.”

“But that was yesterday.” She bites her lip. “You have blood in your h-h-hair.”

“I fell asleep as soon as I got home and I haven’t showered. I bumped my head on the street. Bled like a stuck pig for a little while, but it didn’t need stitches.”

“Can you take a shower now?”

“Yes.”

She stands, takes my hand and leads me to her bathroom. “You should be resting.”

“Now you sound like my mother.”

She blows her nose and turns on the shower then returns to me. “She’s a smart woman.”

“She is. She loves you, you know.”

Fresh tears fill her eyes, but she simply smiles softly and nods. “I love her too. I love all of them.”

They’ll be yours before long, I think and drag my fingertips down her cheek. She grips the hem of the green scrub top in her hands and gently guides it over my head, then unties the drawstring on the matching pants and lets them fall to the floor.