Finding Him (Covet 2)

Was I just the daughter of some influential celebrity couple?

Was I just a college graduate trying to publish my very first book?

Was I a failure?

Was I still sad?

Depressed?

Was I even okay?

These are all the questions that pounded me on my way to my mini vacation to find myself, to see who I was without him.

Because I had defined my life up until that point as my parents’ daughter. I was loved all over the US for my adorable celeb parents, and then I was nearly worshipped for my relationship with one of my fans.

A guy I’d met in the cancer wing at the hospital where I volunteered.

A guy who had changed my life forever.

A guy who became so much more than just a guy.

I went from barely living, not even appreciating my own oatmeal in the morning, to looking at every single moment as a gift. I went from selfie-taking influencer to appreciating small things, even when it rained.

God, he’d loved the rain.

You’d think it would depress him.

Not Noah.

He said rain meant that something new was coming, that fresh starts happened after a rain shower, and that we could consciously start anew.

So it made sense that it was raining as I drove to the cabin I’d rented for the month, didn’t it?

It was a sign he was still with me.

Even though he never got his fresh start, his death brought me mine, along with my first publishing deal about our complicated relationship.

About our love.

Only I was so blinded by the pain of losing him, the pain I had thought I could pour into the pages, that I was stuck and on a deadline I couldn’t force myself to meet.

Maybe because that meant we were finished, maybe because every time I thought of writing “The End,” I couldn’t breathe.

I was a year out of college.

I volunteered.

Sponsored ads for products on my Instagram and YouTube channels.

Had my own beauty line at Sephora.

And in between those projects, I had my laptop, and I still couldn’t write the first chapter.

Because it made it true.

It made his death real.

I tried not to cry as I hit the accelerator and thought about his soft golden hair, the way it would stick up on all ends when I ran my fingers through it. Men in Hollywood would kill for that hair. Noah was too beautiful for words. Even when he started losing his hair, his eyebrows, even when he lost the ability to speak.

He was enough.

He would always be enough.

More than I would ever deserve.

I rubbed the tears on my cheek away as my GPS told me to take another right. I pulled into a long driveway and sighed in relief. Too much time in the car did that to me, it made me reflect.

It made me do exactly what I was supposed to be doing, except I should be writing those things down on paper, or at least typing them into the computer.

“You can do this.” He’d winked and squeezed my hand. “C’mon, K, tell me our story . . .”

More tears filled my eyes until I could barely see the modern cabin in front of me. It was made up of huge floor-to-ceiling windows, had a wraparound deck, and was three stories. I knew the back would have an infinity pool that overlooked the lake and a dock I could sit at the end of.

It also had five bedrooms and three bathrooms.

This was where Noah had wanted to go for our honeymoon, a fact he mentioned when we were daydreaming about our future while waiting for more test results. I thought he was going to propose, thought it was a cute way to test the waters.

But he never did.

When I asked him why not, his smile was so sad my chest felt like someone was pressing a bulldozer against it.

“It’s not fair, K.” He tucked my hair behind my ears and kissed my nose. His face was pale, his lips a bit cracked as he licked them. “I’m not going to steal part of your future. You deserve to get asked by a guy with a clean slate, by a man who loves you more than life. Let me love you through death, let me do my job. Yours is to find someone who will deserve that smile.”

“Noah—”

“Shhh.” He pressed a finger to my lips. “No more tears, I want to look at the cabin again.”

I let out a snort. “More like mansion in the woods. Whoever owns this is clearly loaded and would probably mob us the minute we came into the house or plant cameras somewhere and sell the pictures.”

“Aw, is the little celebrity jealous of the cabin in the woods?” he teased with a wink and then pulled my phone away and kept scrolling. “Remember, don’t focus on negativity.” He paused. “Do me a favor and rent this place someday.”