“Tom is waiting outside for you.”
She grabbed her chest and nearly jumped out of her shoes. “Shit, you scared me.”
I turned my gaze to the floor and massaged one of my knuckles. “Tom will take you wherever you want to go. I suggest you go to Christopher’s. You’ll be safe there. And if not there, I have no problem buying you something nice. It would give me peace of mind.”
She remained in the entryway, her lower body in my peripheral. “That’s it?”
I raised my head and turned back to her, not certain what she meant. “Do you want more?” She’d never been the kind of person to ask anything of me. Any time I’d tried to give her money, she was extremely offended.
“You’re just going to let me go?” Her voice cracked as more tears emerged. “I mean…is this what you wanted the entire time? Is this your way out of this relationship?”
The sound of her tears was as painful as dragging knives down my back. Knowing I was the reason behind her agony just made me feel worse. I got off the couch and walked toward her, keeping my hands in my pockets so I wouldn’t be tempted to grab her.
She wiped her tears away, but more spilled out. “I wish you’d just told me you didn’t want to do this anymore. I wish you were man enough to tell me the truth. I wish…I wish for a lot of things.”
“Rome.” The second I said her name, I realized she was really leaving. It hit me harder then, that the one woman I ever gave a damn about was walking out on me. “I don’t want this to end. I don’t want to lose you. You know that.”
“I really don’t,” she whispered. “You wouldn’t have gone to her if you felt otherwise.”
“She doesn’t mean anything to me,” I said quietly. “I just needed what she gave me. I was never even hard for her. Any time I was with her, she relieved my stress and fulfilled my needs. Then I came home to you, and I was better. I felt better.” I turned my gaze and stared at the stairs. “And then I could be what you needed me to be. That’s all.”
She shook her head like that answer wasn’t enough.
“I love you.” My voice didn’t shake when I spoke. It was steady as a rock. “I’ve loved you far longer than you’ve loved me.”
Her eyes met mine, and her chest froze in place because she stopped breathing.
“But…this is who I am. I’ve tried fighting it, and it hasn’t worked. I’ve tried just being a boyfriend to you, but that hasn’t worked either. As much as I love you, as much as I want to make this work, I can’t do this anymore.” The pain started in my heart then circulated everywhere else. Soon every muscle in my body tensed with the imminent pain. Just like the last time she left me, I would be utterly heartbroken. But I would have to ride out the sorrow until I was finally better. And then one day, I would be back to where I was.
She crossed her arms over her chest and forced herself to stop crying. She was never the kind of woman to show pain or fear, so she tried to box everything up and hide it as much as possible.
“I know I shouldn’t have been with Isabella. I just thought if she gave me what I needed, it could make our relationship better. Now I know that was wrong. When things got really bad…I should have ended this.”
Her breathing picked up again as she tried to combat another round of tears.
“I don’t want to be with anyone else,” I whispered. “I want to spend my life with you.” I knew I would never have the chance to say this to her again, so I needed to say it now. “I’d ask you to marry me if things were different. I’d do the whole father thing and grow old with you. I’d make any sacrifice that you wanted. But if you can’t give me what I need…it’ll never work. I wish I were normal. I wish I weren’t so fucked up in the head. But I am…and that will never change.”
Rome stepped back like my final words just made things worse.
A part of me still hoped she would change her mind, that she would forget her past and really trust me. That she would trust me to take her to a place she’d never been before. I’d done everything possible to make this relationship work. Now I hoped she would make the ultimate sacrifice to save us.
But she didn’t. “I should go…” She turned to her bags, probably to cover her face more than anything else.
I felt the rush of pain at her response, knowing there really was no hope for us. Rome was walking out of my life for good, and I would have to spend years trying to truly get over her. I’d fall into a life of meaningless sex and booze to fill the hole she just carved in my chest. “Let me help you.” I grabbed two of her suitcases.