“She satisfies me every night. It’s just every now and then when I want something more extreme…I take care of it in other ways.”
Jackson knew what I meant. “I don’t know…that’s a big sacrifice.”
I didn’t see any other way. “We broke up once before, and I was far more miserable than I am now. It’s definitely the lesser of two evils.”
“Maybe you can wait a few months and try again. Or maybe even longer than that.”
She was too stubborn to change her mind. After the sight of her tears, I never wanted to cause her pain again. I got so much pleasure out of smacking her ass, but so much depression when she cried afterward. “No. It’s over.”
Jackson was silent over the line, accepting my circumstance.
“Isabella came to my office about a month ago.” I wasn’t sure what possessed me to say that. I’d be lying if I said her words hadn’t affected me. The Dom inside me had been coaxed to life, piqued by her offer.
“What’d she say?”
“She wanted me to be her Dom again.”
“How is that new?”
“She said she wanted me to control her, tell her what to do. But we don’t need to have sex. We don’t even need to touch.”
Jackson finally caught on. “It’s not a bad idea. You can take your dominance out on Isabella. It’s not cheating if you don’t touch her or beat off to her.”
“Yeah…” Something in my gut told me it was still wrong.
“You get the best of both worlds, right?” Jackson asked. “You get Rome and all the vanilla, boyfriend bullshit. And you can get what you need from Isabella, the stuff Rome refuses to give you. I think that’s more than fair.”
Rome would never go for it. “I don’t know…”
“And she doesn’t even need to know. If anything, it would be better for Rome. She would never have to worry about BDSM popping up again. It would be gone for good. And if she’s not willing to give you what you need, then she shouldn’t be surprised that you’re getting it from somewhere else. I think it’s totally fair.”
The more Jackson sided with me, the more tempted I became. But no matter how strong my urge was, I could never assuage the guilt sitting inside my stomach. If she went to an ex for needs I couldn’t fulfill, I wouldn’t be happy about it. But then again, I would always give her what she needed, so that would never happen.
And she wasn’t willing to go that far for me.
“You should go for it. It’s not like Rome would find out anyway. Say you’re helping out at Ruin a few nights a month. You know the code here. No one is going to spill your secret, not even Isabella.”
I worked my jaw and rubbed my fingers across the stubble. “Have you thought more about Mom?” The fact that I was even considering this innately wrong idea made me feel like an asshole. I changed the subject to hide the pain in my stomach.
Jackson quickly changed his tune. “I don’t know, man…”
I didn’t push him either way. I wasn’t good at persuading people like Rome.
“Seeing her like that just makes me feel like shit.”
“I’m not a fan of it either.” But I manned up and did it anyway.
“I hardly talk to people I know. What am I supposed to talk to her about?”
“She’s a human being, Jackson,” I countered. “She just lost her memory. It’s not like she turned into a squirrel.”
“But you still know what I mean, Cal. Don’t act like you don’t.”
I rubbed my fingers across my chin and stared at the city outside my window. I gently shifted my chair from left to right with my foot on the ground. My mind wandered to my mother and then back to Rome. “Let me know what you decide.”
“I already said I didn’t want to do it.”
“Well, I don’t accept that answer, Jackson. So think about it some more.” I dropped the phone on the base without taking my eyes off the view from my office. I had emails to write and phone calls to make, but now I didn’t feel like lifting a finger.
I didn’t feel like doing anything.
13
Rome
I was still upset.
I wasn’t necessarily mad at Calloway for what he did. I wasn’t angry that he still wanted that kind of intense sexual relationship. If anything, I felt guilty that I couldn’t give it to him. When I saw Jet and Cynthia going at it, it did turn me on. The way she wanted him so much, allowed him to possess her like that, really was a turn-on.
But I hated watching him hurt her.
I hate hearing the crack of the whip against her skin.
I hated seeing him have so much power over her.
I would never forget what it was like to have my freedom taken away, to have my life in the hands of someone else. Being at someone’s mercy was the worst thing in the world, and I absolutely despised it. Even if Calloway was the one holding the reins, it brought back so many painful memories.