More Than a Convenient Marriage?

With a critical eye Rowan scanned his appearance, her hands sweeping across his shoulders, smoothing his lapels, adjusting the kerchief poking out of his pocket.

“Don’t.” He couldn’t bear her touch when he felt so raw.

Her gaze came up. Her mouth still looked bruised, and now so did her eyes. Her vulnerability made his gut clench, sending a spike of regret through him. When he ran his tongue behind his lip he could still feel where her teeth had cut in, leaving a taste of rust. She’d been lost in rapture, but his behavior had still been incredibly crass.

Reckless.

She flinched under his scowl and turned away. “I know you think this is just one more selfish act by a spoiled socialite, but I’m doing it for them. Well, maybe a little for myself.” She dropped his original tiepin into her pocketbook. “I let Mum down so many times. I need to give her this at least.”

The defeat in her was so tangible, his throat ached as she crossed the room away from him.

“I’m not angry about the service,” he blurted.

“What, then?” She drew herself to the full extent of her slender height, seeming to brace herself. She knew. She could see the elephant in the room as well as he could. What they’d done this morning shouldn’t have happened.

Could she also see how much he hated himself for putting them in this position? That he wanted to lock his arms around her and beg her not to do anything rash? But he knew it would be better to send her away and let her make her own decision, because he could never be the kind of man capable of involving himself with a woman and their child.

Maybe there wasn’t even a baby to worry about. She’d said the timing was wrong.

Shades of regret rose in him, but his ingrained hesitation against emotions—experiencing them, labeling them, acting on them—prevented him from examining that.

The intercom buzzed, making them both jump.

“It’s just the car,” he managed through a dry throat.

Rowan nodded jerkily and shrugged into her coat before he realized what she was doing. He didn’t move forward in time to help her and his hand closed on empty air. It stayed locked in a fist that her sharp gaze detected on her way to the door.

“After this I’ll finish packing her things and get out. I promise.”

The words scooped into his chest, leaving a gaping space in him. Grief, he told himself. For the last year he’d taken refuge from it in work or the gym. His refusal to host a service had largely been an attempt to avoid revisiting the loss.

The choke of sorrow and missed chances had moved into the background of his psyche, though. All his tension and misgivings were rooted in Rowan’s behavior right now. She was on the run, and he didn’t blame her, but it filled him with anxiety.

The elevator floor dropped away from beneath his unfeeling legs and the blurred city passed before his eyes. He could only clench a hand on the nearest surface and try to hold on to his equanimity while trying to convince himself that facing the memorial service was eating him alive. Not something else.

After this I’ll finish packing her things and get out.

His cold fog grew worse when the car slowed outside a low building. Nic finally came out of himself long enough to see how gray her complexion had gone, leaving her makeup as slashes of garish color against her waxen face.

“Are you going to throw up?” He reached for the ice bucket.

“It’s stage fright.” Her shaking hand went to her middle. “I didn’t eat, so nothing to toss. It’ll go away as soon as I’m on.” She left the car like a ghost rising from a grave, her movements elegant as always, her collected expression niggling at him.

Was she really not the least bit worried? If timing was so reliable there wouldn’t be an overpopulation problem. Or had she already made a decision that a baby wouldn’t happen, no matter what?

He took Rowan’s elbow as they climbed the stairs, consciously easing a grip that wanted to tighten with urgency. His heart pounded. Don’t, Rowan. Please don’t.

People were already seated inside—hundreds of them. Once they sat, a man in robes invited them to bow their heads. It was surreal, given his state of mind, but cleansing. This was the right thing to do. He should have known, should have trusted that Rowan understood these things better than he did.

As she moved to the podium a few minutes later he noted that she had regained some color, but her eyes were still too big for her face. He watched her with a fatalistic rock in his chest. She was so much better than he was, rising above a difficult childhood like a phoenix, able to sing her mother’s praises, warm and beautiful, while he carried only the ashen darkness of his childhood with him, staining everything black.

He had nothing to offer a woman and a child but the same bleak void he’d grown up in. Making her pregnant would be a disaster. He had no choice but to pray it wouldn’t happen, yet a torturous want crowded into him. A deep, undeniable ache filled him to be better than he was. Damn Olief for never setting an example or instilling confidence in him when it came to interpersonal relationships. He’d left his son floundering, armed only with a shaky desire to succeed without any skills to back it up.

Rowan’s eyes met his as he struggled with his need to be everything his own father wasn’t. Her voice cracked and her hand came up to cover her trembling lips. Her self-possession began to fall apart and threatened to shatter Nic’s. Purely out of instinct he pushed to his feet, moving to stand beside her. It was like stepping into cold fire. He hadn’t meant to put himself in this position. Public speaking didn’t bother him, but this was different. He never put his emotions on display, and his intense feelings were just under the surface while a sea of faces stared.

He took Rowan’s hand. It was so icy his heart tripped in concern. He closed his fingers tightly over hers. She pointed to a place on the page and he began to read.

“‘Olief tried hard to be a father figure to me...’” he began, the words evaporating on his tongue. Olief had tried with Rowan, and maybe that was the takeaway lesson. He had to say goodbye to Olief’s failings as a father and look forward with his own purpose and approach and simply try.

Rowan squeezed Nic’s hand with all her might, fighting back the breakdown that had come down on her like an avalanche when she had met Nic’s tormented gaze. He was genuinely worried she’d turn out to be pregnant. She’d seen it back at the apartment, had even tried to brace herself for reassuring him how remote a possibility it was, but dread turned like a medieval torture device in her. He’d be relieved and she would be crushed.

The arrival of the car had saved her, but as she’d stood up here, playing the part of the good daughter, all she’d been able to think was that it was her mother’s fault she had no periods. Even before the intensity of ballet classes the pressure had been on to mind her calories. Rowan had felt like a hypocrite, talking up the woman she resented deep in her heart. Then she’d looked into Nic’s eyes and known he didn’t want her to conceive, and with equal fervor knew she wished she could.

Yet wouldn’t.

It had been too much, and she was clinging to composure by her fingernails.

Nic closed with a few personal words of his own, Rowan swallowed, and thankfully they were able to sit down. But Nic didn’t let go of her hand. Maybe that was her fault. Her fingers were white where she entwined them with his. She stared at their linked frozen hands as one of her mother’s friends rose to sing an Irish ballad.

The worst was over. She only had to get through the reception in the adjoining hall without betraying her inner tension. As they stood to move through the doors that were thrown open for them she disengaged from Nic’s grip. “You don’t have to stay,” she offered, even though he’d said he wasn’t angry about the service anymore.

His dark brows came down like storm clouds, scolding and chilly. “I’ll stay.”

She felt a lash of fear. A wild impulse to bolt from here whirled through her. Very mature, Ro. But there was something resolved in his expression. She sensed a Talk looming and wasn’t prepared to face it.

“Suit yourself,” she murmured, and let herself be drawn by people who were anxious to express their condolences.

Nic wondered if he had imagined her clammy grip on his hand. She was so willing to have him disappear now. Because she blamed him? She had every right. He was the experienced one—in more ways than one. He shouldn’t have taken such a risk with her.

He wished it was as simple as saying she had provoked him, but that wasn’t right. Hearing she’d been hurt by his neglect had rattled him. “Maybe if you’d spoken to me...” But he’d been afraid to speak to her, afraid she would hurt him again with all that he’d told her. He hadn’t liked facing that he was a coward who had avoided her out of fear.

“Does sleeping with me make you hate me less?”

Yes, it did. Which scared him even more and made him profoundly aware of his inability to love. He’d said something crude at that point, infuriated that he could never be what she needed and deserved. The futility of their relationship had struck home and he’d wanted quite desperately, just for a second, to bind her to him in the most irrevocable way possible.