He may have been able to hide it from others, but the hurt in his voice told me my mother’s words had hurt him to the core.
“Have you read it?” I asked, taking the note from him. I didn’t know if I wanted to open it here and read it.
“No, I haven’t. It’s addressed to you, and I wasn’t going to overstep my boundaries.” At least he was honest. The paper was a nice kind, the kind you would write official letters on and shit.
I unfolded it like a present on Christmas morning. I wanted—no, needed to read this note. If anything, I knew it held some type of answer.
Dearest Bree,
It saddens me deeply you won’t see this letter until well after I am gone. As I lay here beside you watching you sleep, I write this with tears streaming down my cheeks. My heart is breaking for the pain I know I will cause when you finally discover my biggest kept secret. I truly hope this letter finds you in good times. Please know I never meant to hurt you in any way. I kept this secret in order to protect you.
I grew up loving two people, but the love I had for each was quite different. Falling for John was easy. He was alluring and charming, but it wasn’t the kind of love I felt for James… his brother. James made me fall without even realizing it. So, if I wanted to stop it, I never had the chance. He was simply mesmerizing. Looking back now, I know I should have chosen James from the very beginning, but the love I had for John felt as if it was good enough.
John was my safe place when I needed to hide, so I stayed with him and we started our life together. Those were our best years. Those were the years when I still knew him. He always had dreams to become a police officer, and when he finally graduated from the academy, he became a different person. Little by little, it was like something changed inside of him. He became more and more wrapped around his cases. His choices changed, and his beliefs became more about his career. He stopped giving me the love and respect I deserved. I was put on the back burner, and my complaints went unnoticed. If they were noticed, it was with a fist. The bruises eventually faded, slowly taking the love I had for him with them.
This ultimately pushed me into James’s arms. He was always there, witnessing the changes in his brother, as well. I felt as if I had lost my husband. In all honesty, at this point, he was already dead to me. When James lost his wife, I was there for him, and through this, we reconnected. What started as two friends being there for each other turned into something more. We became one. The magnetic pull we always had for each other came back even stronger. We knew it wasn’t right, but the heart wants what the heart wants, and our hearts wanted each other.
I found myself falling completely out of love for John, and when he discovered the affair, my life shattered. He knew James had a connection to a particular case he was assigned, so he threatened him and accused him of rash things. He told me I couldn’t leave him, and if I tried, he would kill me. He had so much rage in his eyes when he spoke those words to me; I knew he meant every single one of them. I became a shell of myself not living, only existing.
Then I found out about you, Bree, and you changed everything in my life. You gave me a reason to do more than simply exist. John loved you, you were his Princess, but… he wasn’t your father. He knew this from the moment I told him about you, yet he always treated you as his own. I never understood why, but I guess, in a way, you were part of him just the same. My only regret is I never had the chance to let James know before John took me away.
I hope you can see the resemblance between the two of you. I always did. Countless times, I would get lost in your eyes because they reminded me of him, of the love we shared. I loved him, I always will, and somehow, I know I always did. I am still just as much in love with him now as I was then.
When I was diagnosed with cancer, I looked for him. I needed to tell him. This wasn’t something I could die knowing. I know you’re hurting beyond repair, but please know it was never my intention. You’re strong, and I know eventually, you will see this through. Know you were made out of love and it wasn’t his fault I hid you from him. Whatever you do, don’t hate him. He doesn’t deserve it.
I am sorry for keeping this from you, for being the person who hurt you the most. One day, I hope you will be able to forgive me. I love you in mind, body and spirit. Nothing could ever separate me from you. I’ll always be in your heart.
P.S. I hope you live, never simply exist…but LIVE.
With love,
Mom
My tears stained the white paper smearing the words slightly as I folded it up. She never meant to hurt us, but she did. Now she wasn’t here to fix the problems she had caused. I was a casualty of a war started years before my time. I would be the one to end this war.
“I’m so sorry, Bree.” James, my father’s voice, sounded from somewhere. It could’ve been right in front of me—hell if I know. My heart was breaking. I felt like I was a million miles away.
It was as if I knew the fate, I knew what the letter would contain, but I didn’t want to believe. Even after reading it, I didn’t want to believe it. I couldn’t because believing it made it real and making it real made everything before this time a lie.