“Shit, I’m sorry. I forgot a condom again.” He whispers against my skin. “I’ll be sure to be more careful next time.”
“Next time?” I blink. Everything comes back to me. Us. How we can never be together. How wrong it is that we keep doing this. I want Sebastian, but I’m afraid, so fucking afraid and I don’t know if I’m willing to let go of that fear.
Sebastian pulls back, his eyes are soft, and I can see the feelings he has for me written clearly across his face. With his hand, he cups my cheek, and without thought, I nuzzle into his touch, not even realizing how much I need it.
“When your sister died, I vowed to never love again. I promised myself that I would never move on, that no one would ever take up space in my heart like she did.”
His confession shocks and saddens me all at once. He loved her so much that he didn’t think he could ever be with anyone again, at least not like this.
“Then… why? Why do this with me?” Tears sting my eyes, and I want to tell him to get off of me. To go to fucking hell but I just don’t have the strength.
“Because I love you, Lily. I love you, and it’s taken me this long to realize it, but I do. At first, I thought it was just the fact that you looked so similar to your sister, but I knew even then that it was more. I was attracted to you the instant you walked into my office. Every waking minute I’m thinking about you, and every day, I wonder if you’re thinking about me the same.”
Gulping, I nod because I’m afraid that if I try and speak, the words won’t come out. Not after what he just confessed.
He loves me… he said he loves me.
“Lily,” he says my name so softly, I want to weep at the sound. “I love you. I want this. I want to try. Can we try? Can we see what happens?”
“Like… date?”
Sebastian nods, and my eyes bug out of my head. “I’m… I’m not sure…” before I can finish answering him, my cell phone starts to ring. He pulls away even though I can see he doesn’t want to, leaving me just enough room to escape him. I take it and slither off the desk, grabbing my skinny jeans off the floor and tugging them up and over my ass by the time I reach the couch.
I can feel Sebastian hovering over me. His presence is like the sun. Always moving, always there even when it’s not.
“This isn’t over, Lily. No matter what you say, it isn’t. I’m not going to let your fear rule us. I want you, and I know you want me. The answer to our problems is sitting right in front of us.”
Ignoring my phone for a moment, I whirl around, “You’re the Dean, and I’m just some troubled student who can’t get her shit together.” All over again I’m alone, the walls are closing in around me. Sebastian is here, but he’s not mine. He can’t save me. “Then there is our age difference and our pasts, everything is stacked against us. We will never work. We’ve been doomed from the beginning.” I don’t know how or why I say the things I do, but I do. I think it’s time he realizes how much is stacked against us.
Sebastian’s brows pinch together, “I want you, Lily, and I won’t give up. Not until we try.” He pauses, his pink tongue darting out over his full bottom lip. “I don’t know how we will make it work, but we will. We’ll never know unless we try.” The determination in his eyes isn’t wavering, telling me all I need to know, and my knees go weak, realizing how much he truly wants me, wants us.
Still fear of the unknown threatens to swallow me whole. Can we do this? Really, do this? Be more than just secret lovers screwing behind closed doors? I don’t want to be his secret, but I don’t want to give up this chance to be together. Is being with Sebastian worth it, even if it is in secret?
“I… I want you, but…”
Sebastian shakes his head, “No buts, Lily. It’s just you and me. Don’t let the fear win.”
As afraid as I am of being with him. I’m more afraid of being without him.
“You’re mine, Lily, and I am yours.” He oozes a confidence I wish I had. “We’ll figure this out. I might not know everything but what I do know is that I’m not giving up on you. On us. Please, just give us a chance. I want this. I want you. We might not be able to hold hands and kiss on campus, but we can tell everybody we trust. We can go on dates in the town over, we won’t have to hide everywhere or forever, just…”