“You had a nightmare,” I tell her even though I’m sure she already knows.
“Thank you… for staying with me,” she whispers. I’m about to tell her that she doesn’t need to thank me for anything when she suddenly pushes up and presses her lips to mine. I freeze, partly because I’m shocked and partly because I’m scared to move.
It feels like we are suspended in time, her warm lips against mine, her intoxicating scent assaulting my senses. Like two pieces of ice floating across frigid waters, we clash together. For a moment we are both completely still, only my heart is beating furiously in my chest as if I’m running a marathon. Then Emerson moves her lips slightly against mine, igniting something deep inside of me.
My brain shuts down and my primal instincts take over. Take. Kiss. Fuck. I pull her body close to mine, loving how she melts into my embrace, so warm and so fucking soft. Her sweet floral scent, the way she feels, the cherry taste of her lips on mine. It consumes me… everything about her consumes me.
For a few fleeting moments, it feels like I’m in heaven, ascended to some higher form of being. Nothing else besides her matters anymore. Right now, the world could stop spinning and I wouldn’t notice.
My arms tighten around her. I’m crazed…I can’t get her close enough. I want more… need more. She’s already half lying on top of me, but it’s not enough. With my arms wrapped tightly around her and my lips pressed against hers, I roll us slanting my hardness against all her softness.
As soon as we are in this position, I realize that I’ve made a horrible mistake and then she realizes it too.
She pulls away, her whole body recoiling from me. She turns her head, breaking the kiss with a whimper and places her hands on my chest, pushing me away with all her strength.
“Shit, I’m sorry.” I get off of her in one swift move stumbling over my feet. I feel sick to my stomach watching her helplessly as she curls in on herself, drawing her knees to her chest.
Seeing her like this breaks my fucking heart, shatters it into a million pieces. All I want is to help her, not to make her feel worse. I’ve ruined everything… thinking with my cock.
“Em, I’m sorry… I…”
“No, it’s my fault, I-I don’t know what I was thinking.” Her voice is weak, and there’s a vacant look in her eyes.
“I don’t think either one of us was thinking,” I whisper. God knows I wasn’t thinking. Not like I should’ve been.
We were only acting on impulse, turning everything off with some imaginary switch. When Emerson doesn’t react to my words, her body starting to tremble, I take a step toward her.
“Tell me how to make it better. Do you want me to hold your hand? Or leave?” I grip at my hair in frustration, how could I have been so dumb, so careless.
She’s terrified of me now…and I wouldn’t be surprised if she told me to leave.
“I don’t know.” Her reply is a kick in the nuts and I’m not sure what the right thing to do is here. What I do know is that I can’t bear to just leave her like this. Kneeling down next to the bed I reach for her hand, interlacing hers in mine, cocooning them gently, wishing I could do the same with my arms.
Vile anger churns in my stomach, whoever did this to her… My jaw tightens, and I have to force myself to let the thought go.
“I’m sorry, Em. I shouldn’t have done that. I’m stupid, so damn stupid.” I press a fist to the side of my head, willing my brain to override my physical need for her. It shouldn’t be hard, but it is, it’s so hard. Her big blue eyes peer into mine, and shame coats my insides. I’ll do better, try harder, for her, all for her.
Then she starts to pull away from me, the loss of her touch is immediate.
“I’m going to get ready for class,” she says as she gets up from the bed. Helplessly, I watch her walk into her bathroom, finally noticing the oversized flannel PJs she’s wearing.
The door closes, and the lock clicks into place, ending the conversation. Fuck. I want to punch something, mainly myself for being so selfish, for acting without thought. With no idea on how to make this right, I retreat into my bedroom. I’ve failed her, just like I failed my mom. Sagging down onto the bed, I tell myself this can never happen again.
If I’m going to protect Emerson, care for her, and make sure she’s safe then I’ll have to protect her from everyone, including myself.
???
Breakfast is painfully quiet, and I keep my face all but buried in a bowl of cereal I made. Neither of us looks at each other on the ten-minute drive to campus and I can feel the tension in every muscle of my body.