“I’ll talk to you tonight, okay?” he finally says.
“Okay.” I smile. Giving in to the need to hug him, I throw my arms around him and pull him into my chest. He’s a good foot taller than me, but I make it work. He dips his head down and lets it rest on my shoulder, his arms snaking around my middle and coming to rest on my lower back. He’s holding me to him, hugging me back, and after that first night at the wedding, I was sure this would never happen.
We don’t hug for long, or at least it doesn’t feel like a long time, because I want to keep holding onto him. When we break apart, he looks a little calmer, some of the tension in his gorgeous face fading.
“Have fun with your mom,” he tells me. “I’m going on a drive to clear my head before going golfing with my dad.” Pulling out a pair of keys from his pocket, he heads for the door just as my mother calls out for me.
“You ready to go, Ava?”
With one last fleeting glance, he walks away.
“Yeah, let’s go.”
???
Spas are not my thing, let’s be real. Getting dolled up, doing my hair and makeup, also not my thing, but spending time with my mother is more important to me than my sanity for lack of girliness and since I’m desperate for even a little bit of interaction, I let her drag me along.
We do a full body massage that makes my body feel like goop, and get our hair cut and colored. By the time we’re finished at the salon I’ve got a growling belly and look and feel like a million bucks.
“Let’s go to lunch, and then we can do a little shopping. I want to get some stuff for your bedroom. Add some personal touches to it.” I smile, but can’t help but feel guilty. While I’m having a great time with my mother, Vance is stuck in the presence of his father, dealing with a truth that was hidden from him for five years.
Five years, he blamed me. Five long years.
We head into an Italian bistro at the mall, the hostess seating us right away.
“Are you okay? You seem…worried,” my mom asks, and for the first time in three years, I see my mom look at me with genuine concern. She’s not looking through me, she’s looking at me, and it feels too real, too much.
“I missed you,” I blurt out. “I really missed you.”
“Oh, sweetheart.” Her eyes fill with tears and I have to bite my bottom lip to keep myself from crying. “I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I missed you too. I’d have called more often…and visited you. And the worst part is that my excuse for not doing so, is selfish. I’ve made many mistakes in my life, I’m not too proud to admit that, but not being there for you for the last three years was the biggest mistake of all.” She pauses to wipe an escaped tear away with her finger.
“Every time I did call you, I was reminded of everything I’ve lost, and that hurt. It was easier not to call altogether. I told myself that it would be easier for you too, but obviously I was wrong, and for that, I am very sorry.”
I didn’t even know that I needed to hear her say those words until she said them. For so long, I was wondering why she didn’t call me, why she left without coming back. I often thought to myself that it was me, that she didn’t want me. So many times, I asked myself what I could have done wrong, so to hear her say that I didn’t do anything wrong at all, it took a huge weight off my shoulders.
Fidgeting with the napkin in my hands, I say, “I thought maybe it had something to do with me so—”
My mother cuts me off, “God, no honey. It had nothing to do with you. I know what I did was selfish and I’m sorry for that, truly I am.” And for a moment I wonder which part she’s admitting to being selfish about…having an affair or being a shit mom.
“Now tell me, how are classes going. Did you and Vance really get along while we were gone?” she asks while clasping her hands under her chin.
“Classes are good, and everything was fine. No fights, nothing.” I don’t dare mention the fact that we fucked in my bedroom just moments before they came home. Somehow I don’t think my mom would enjoy hearing that little tidbit. And I don’t tell her about Vance’s house party or any of the petty things he did like share my cell phone number with the entire campus.
“Good, good. I know the situation wasn’t ideal.” She frowns. “And that I had to bribe you a little to get you out here, but I hope it hasn’t been too bad.”